Things you didn't know you didn't need to know

The worst Answer-Phone message

2012-01-02T10:30:00.000Z

The world’s worstanswer-phone message was recorded in 1987 by Chun Miki, an Elementary Schoolteacher from San Bernardino, in America. She used a recording of herself givingbirth, which she edited down to 4 minutes. When questioned by police, aftercomplaints were made by a tele-marketing firm trying to sell her double-glazinginsurance, she said, “I’m just so proud of my little boy, Ronald, and bringinghim into this world was such an amazing experience for me, so I just wanted toshare some of it with the world.”

Ronald Miki, photographed in 1995, modelling his mother's range of coin-made head wear, which was promoted as, "Channelling the mind's power through the Third Eye". Photograph from The Next Web.

The most disfiguring self-inflicted injury sustained in a sharp-shooting contest

2011-12-28T22:01:00.002Z

The most disfiguring self-inflicted injury sustained in asharp-shooting contest was sustained by Phillip ‘Panama’ O’Grady, in the‘Jones’ Regal Annual Shoot-Off’, held in Kaiserslauten, Germany in March 1984.After hitting a bulls-eye in the main event, O’Grady habitually blew the smokeoff of the barrel of his gun. However, this time the gun fired, blowing off themiddle of his top and bottom lips, and taking off the end of his nose. O’Gradywent on to collect Bronze in the competition, but refused to get cosmeticsurgery, insisting, “This may be my chance to become a mainstream mediacelebrity. My Agent is already in talks with Thames Television about thepossibility of starring in my own Comedy-Western series.”

'Panama' O'Grady, pictured in training for the Jones' Regal event in 1984. Picture by Augie Schwer.

Life narration

2011-09-26T12:15:00.000+01:00

Wilholm Friedland , of Trompe-Souris, France spent 15 years and 17 weeks narrating his life, starting in May 1984. Interviewed in 1990, he commented, “’It has made communication with my wife problematic, as I say out loud thoughts I would normally keep to myself,” He said, thinking of the time when he had announced his desire for the waitress at the Three Roosters at the breakfast table.

Friedland, pictured in a Tours market in 1999. Shortly after this photograph was taken, he was arrested by a female police officer for making comments as he passed her which she, "refused to record." He was later released without charge. Photo by istolethetv.

The World's Worst Ball Boy (Tennis)

2011-09-21T20:09:00.000+01:00

The world’s worst ball-boy (tennis) was Pierre Gussette, a ball boy at the 1921 Lyon Open tournament. In the first match he was involved with, he managed to topple the Umpire’s chair twice, tried three times to run through the net, threw nine balls into the crowd, one of which hit the visiting King of Norway, and blinded one of the players, Gustaf Smick, who he had completely ignored until the fifth game of the second set. His ‘attack’ on the King of Norway almost caused a diplomatic incident, for which the French government was forced to imprison him for 7 years.

A ball-boy at a local Parisian Tennis Association match, fulfilling the role of 'Gussettier', an honorary position bestowed to the most 'sinister' ball-boy at some matches. Photo by pupismyname.

The Fattest Ninja

2011-09-08T22:04:00.000+01:00

The fattest ninja ever was Kenji Musoka, according to records from the 13th Century. He achieved this distinction while on an assassination mission, when he found himself trapped in a barrel of lychee syrup. Using stealth-breathing techniques, Musoka was able to hold his breath while submerged in the syrup for 4 hours, but after that period, was required to start consuming the syrup, in order to breath. After gaining room to breath, he was still unable to move, and so had to consume the rest of the syrup, until he was able to escape from the barrel, now weighing 21 stone. Despite the dramatic weight-gain, Musoka was still able to complete his mission to assassinate the mayor of the town of Shizuka.

Musoka is remembered by some fringe groups in Japan to this day, and is remembered and honoured in the form of 'waga ninjas', soft dolls which take the appearance of a fat ninja. This example was photographed by Annie Mole.

Time-travelling Blaxploitation cinema

2011-09-04T22:19:00.000+01:00

In 1974, Danny Myzchniki, a business associate of Frances Ford Coppolla, pitched a Time-travelling Blaxploitation movie called A Bitch in Time Saves Mine to various studios. While he went on record as believing it was, "a mind-blowing polygamous marriage of science fiction, gangster epic, medieval murder-mystery and martial arts," no studio would take a chance on it, despite Myzchniki having cast the main roles, and paid for filming several scenes out of his own pocket, including the climactic '5-Dimensional P-Funk concert', where the hero, 'Pimp-Daddy Chronio', played by Sylas Dawson, a local musician leads a band consisting of a 16th Century Shaolin monk on slap-bass, an Arthurian knight on drums, a 25th Century space explorer on lead guitar, and his "hos" Tick and Tock on brass in a "jam for the ages" against a "Robo-Demon from ancient Greece."

Sylas Dawson, playing "Pimp-Daddy Chronio", in one of the few completed scenes from A Bitch in Time Saves Mine. Photo provided by joelogon.

The 5-Minute Rule Eaterie

2011-08-30T21:34:00.001+01:00

Anders Bohrigs set up and manages the Fem - Minut Regel Restaurang (Five-Minute Rule Restaurant) in Malmo, Sweden. As well as pancakes cooked to his grandmother's secret recipe, the restaurant offers a 45% reduction on food if it is dropped on the floor and scooped up before it reaches the table, 65% if it is a soup or 'heavily-sauced dish'. Asked to explain the policy, Bohrings said,

"What we are trying to achieve here is a movement to reduce people's overly fussy attitude to food. The policy is not meant as an apolgy; we actually prefer for customers to request their food be dropped when they order their meal. Very few customers have had any kind of health issues, and I feel this is something very positive for society."

The Fem - Minut Regel Restaurang, where the offer for Christmas is "Free main course if your waiter licks your starter." This photo provided by La Citta Vita.

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 6

2011-06-28T10:10:00.001+01:00

One of Dutruv's more controversial, and less well documented scientific escapades was his 'Metro Mass Driver' series of experiments. These represented the period where Dutruv developed an interest in the self-styled "Guerrilla Science" movement, which encouraged,

Systems of experimentation and technological development, freed of corporate and government sponsorship, staid academia and restrictive Health and Safety restrictions, by utilising the environment and resources we find in it.

For Dutruv, this involved utilising several miles of the Tunnelbana Metro system in Stockholm in order to attempt to turn an unmanned Maglev (Magnetic Levitation) vehicle as a 'DIY mass driver', in order to create 'miniature Black Holes'. Although Dutruv often worked alone, the scale of this project required him to ask for assistance from Guerrilla Science, specifically to help him hack into the Tunnelbana computer system to ensure that no staff were working overnight on the sections of track he was using, and to use two assistants he recruited from advertisements in magazines and tobacconists. Records of what happened are legally sealed by the Swedish government, but Dutruv was arrested and faced legal charges, and at least one of his assistants may have been removed from the spacetime continuum as a result of the experiment.

This picture was taken by 'Guerrilla Scientist' Pacopus, and is said to show Dutruv, the surviving assistant, and the unidentified 'hypothetical' assistant, who has come to be known in online discussions as 'Assistant H'.

Dutruv was released from the custody of the Swedish police without being charged. The investigating officer, Faltmo Lindegaard, explained,

While we do feel that some kind of offence took place here, our suspicion is that the victim, if indeed there ever was one, has been erased from all of time and space, and as such, the crime remains purely hypothetical, even though we believe that it did happen. This is confusing, and well beyond our jurisdiction.

Although details of this investigation were not included in the remains of Dutruv's work, after his death in 1996, several of the 'Guerrilla Scientists' who knew of it posted discussions about it on various online message boards, saying that they felt it should stand as a tribute to Dutruv's contribution to human understanding.

The most corrosive hamburger sauce

2011-06-25T23:46:00.000+01:00

The most corrosive Hamburger sauce ever was Kathter’s Old Number 9, a concoction created on a Texan farm in 1972 by retired Chemist Peter Chan. Although he kept the ingredients secret, he told Hamburger Review magazine, “it contains 5 different types of chillies, and gunpowder for seasoning.” Chan was later taken to court by PETA, accused of killing several sows by testing his sauce on them when it was still in its experimental stages. Kathter’s Old Number 9 was eventually taken off the shelves in 1975, when it was discovered that one of the ingredients used by Chan had actually been extracted from the larval form of a rare parasitic wasp which was on the Endangered Species list.

The results of the application of 75ml of Kathter’s Old Number 9 to an undercooked quarter pounder. Chan noted that the bottle did carry the disclaimer "contents may become volatile if brought into contact with raw meat products." Photo copyright of Public Domain Photos.

Moustaches of Australia

2011-03-19T22:05:00.004Z

The Moustaches of Australia Museum is a recent addition to the Perth cultural scene. Curator Del McGarneck estimates that the combined weight of all the facial hair in the exhibition would exceed 2 metric tonnes.

"Moustaches have formed an integral part of Australian culture," he explained in the Perth's Eye local newspaper, "Which is part of the reason I personally found Crocodile Dundee so offensive. Moustaches, in many ways, have been what has separated us from the animals, especially the reptiles."

Del McGarneck, pictured at the Moustaches of Australia Museum's grand opening, where he was engaged in a heated debate about his policy against including sideburns in the museum's exhibits. Picture supplied by the MoAM's official photographer, Gagilas.

Livestock fondue

2010-12-01T20:49:00.000Z

Freddie Salzburg's Animal Fondue Rotisserie has been in business in Mankato, Minnesota in the USA since November 2008. The restaurant features whole pigs and lambs slaughtered on the premises, and cooked by being lowered by a crane mechanism into boiling vats of molten cheese.

The entrance to the Animal Fondue Rotisserie. "We hadn't meant to have such a grand entrance," said proprietor, Freddie Salzburg. "The original plan was for a feature here that customers could take advantage of a feature we were going to build in here, that involved a large air cannon, a razor-edged grating, with a heated angled cheese tub. We had to adapt our plans while we let the applications go through." Photograph taken for the avlxyz review service.

Mass suicide at Museum station

2010-10-25T18:46:00.002+01:00

This photo is the earliest image of a mass suicide, taken on October 17th 1924 at Museum Station in Sydney, Australia. It began when some 16 men climbed onto the tracks, while another, (Frank Hardbunt, 24) photographed them before jumping down onto the tracks himself, leaving his camera apparatus on the platform.

As the picture shows, the station was still under contruction at the time, and this was, in fact, merely a test run for the electrical system, leading many to suspect some kind of 'suicide cult', as only 3 of the men, Terry Bosforth, Henry Turner and Samuel Gishop, had any business being at the station on this particular day.

This copy of the photograph is actually on display at Museum Station. In 1998, when asked why such a tragic image should be left on display, the station manager, Duncan Hawkins, replied, "Well, we just thought it was better than another advert for toothpaste."

The most sarcastic piece of correspondence

2010-10-12T12:42:00.010+01:00

The most sarcastic piece of correspondence was the infamous Go ahead and invade then, you green-tongued coward parchment, written by King Osingwald III of the Ostrogoths to Emperor Maxwell V of The Bulgars in 543AD. Although the two were childhood friends, Osingwald sent a messenger to Maxwell, whose message consisted of 15 pages of insults, after which the messenger, as instructed, dropped his britches and mooned the Emperor, who promptly invaded Luxembourg. Folklore has it that, just before being bludgeoned to death with his messenger’s severed rear-end, Osingwald wailed, “I didn’t think he’d take it that way!”

This frieze was produced by the court of King Osingwald to commemorate his insult of Emperor Maxwell. Academics have speculated that the figures around the face represent specific insults from the parchment, such as the one pictured on the left here, which seems to show Maxwell in an improper embrace with a dog or wolf. None of the figures, however, shed any light for the motivation for the insults. Photograph from the Cåsver collection.

The most mobile nation

2010-10-08T12:44:00.002+01:00

The most mobile nation in the world is the Island state of Karmisticia, which was originally found in the Indian Ocean. Uninhabited until the early Twentieth Century, due to its isolation from any populated areas, it was supported by a thin column of igneous rock reaching up from the Sea-bed. This was destroyed due to disturbances from the eruption of Krakatoa, but the island stayed afloat, due to the unique buoyancy of its natural rock. It became a nation in 1905, when a shipwrecked crew of Indian fishermen washed up on its shores, having believed themselves to be doomed, as there were no reported islands anywhere near where their ship had sunk. Although the men returned to India for supplies and their families, they were determined to make the Island their home, and named it Karmisticia. Karmisticia has continued to drift, and has most recently been sighted passing Norway.

Two citizens of Karmisticia re-enact the discovery of the island, a ritual repeated on March 14th every year. As the population of the island rarely exceeds 30, and constantly changes as the island passes by other countries or picks up international criminals looking for a place to lie low (which Karmisticia offers, due to its lack of extradition treaties with the rest of the world, itself a result of the fact that Karmisticia is rarely close enough to any country long enough to establish full diplomatic relations), anyone residing on the island for longer than 3 weeks has to agree to take part in at least one commemoration.Photographed by travel agency chifa217.

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 5

2010-09-22T15:04:00.002+01:00

After hearing of a school that faced difficulty in its fire and bomb evacuation plans, due to severely limited space on the school grounds, Dutruv developed a system to offer protection from explosions or intense heat to crowds gathered a short distance from the source of such threats. This involved underground blast shields being situated in a protective ring around the site in question. The blast shields would be reinforced concrete, 75cm thick, 6m wide and 4m high, which could be raised to their full height within 0.45 seconds by a powerful system of hydraulics, which could be activated by a remote control when all persons were outside the protective ring. One prototype was actually installed in an Australian High School, but was removed after a trial evacuation when a Year 10 pupil was accidentally catapulted 15m into the air by a premature firing of the blast shield mechanism.

Several of the blast shield being removed after the Year 10 student, who can only be identified as "Jayden" after a court ruling which also prevents the school from being identified, recovered from his injuries. He was saved from certain death by landing in the school's outdoor swimming pool. Photograph provided by uair01.

The least-noticed middle name

2010-09-17T15:37:00.029+01:00

The world’s least-noticeable middle name is “ “. It is the middle name of Harold Bashouka, born in 1967. Bashouka’s parents, Gibbe and Henkara, both of whom are judges in their native Poland, actually stipulated that on any official form, there must be an extra space between his forename and surname, or his initials can be represented as “H. . Bashouka.” Speaking at Harold’s inauguration as President of the local Flint Collector’s club, Gibbe Bashouka explained, “We hoped that, by putting a little void into his name, we could encourage our son to stop and meditate every time he thinks about himself.”

This photograph of of Harold (l) and Gibbe (r) Bashouka is on display at the Warsaw Flint Collector's Association. The frame is inscribed "In commemoration of our third-greatest President, H. . Bashouka, and the parent whose name-based motivation pushed him to the heights which he achieved.". The photo is now property of U-g-g-B-o-y-(-Photograph-World-Sense-).

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 4

2010-09-13T12:47:00.001+01:00

Dutruv's plans for the Mechanical moustache never got much further than a prototype which he tested on one subject. His original designs showed that he had envisioned it as "a device allowing the modern man-on-the-go to discreetly have at his disposal several useful devices, such as a toothbrush, cigarette lighter, collar-affixer and neck-massager, all operated by animatronic appendages concealed by a manly moustache, which could be groomed to a handlebar design, or any other style, as whimsical fashions will inevitably dictate."

This image of the mechanical moustache was captured in a photograph which has since been donated by the Dutruv estate to the Art Institute of Portland. The subject, Dutruv's sometime laboratory assistant Tomasz Kolvski, described the sensation of the automated features as, "Initially foreboding, but afterwards, quite comfortable." The prototype was abandoned after Kolvski was injured by the cigarette-lighter feature, although unsubstantiated rumours persisted for some time that the Dutch military had purchased the rights to develop a weaponised version of the automated moustache from Dutruv.

The shortest acceptance speech

2010-09-09T12:36:00.001+01:00

The shortest ever acceptance speech in a mayoral election lasted 1.74 seconds, and was delivered in 1967 by Arnosue Gharfinsal, when he was elected in the town of Bandaicooler, on the island of Tasmania. Standing outside the town hall, he announced, “I’m a man of few words,” before going inside for a nap.

Arnosue Gharfinsal, pictured before making what was actually a shorter speech, at just 3.8 seconds, to the Tasmanian Chamber of Commerce in 1984. Unfortunately, there has been controversy over the length of the speech, due to the 3 minute ovation he received between the second and third words of the speech ("Salt," and "Tourism"). Photo provided by euthman.

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 3

2010-08-26T12:21:00.053+01:00

Dimitri Dutruv developed the electric wig over the winter of 2003-4. In his design notes he said that the concept came to him while he was camping with his uncles in the Black Forest,

"We found ourselves uncommonly annoyed by swarms of mites, midges and associated insects. I was reminded of the 'Insect-o-cutor' I had seen in a local butchers earlier that day. I was trying to imagine a suitable method of making such a device portable, when i could not help but to have my attention drawn to Uncle Berni's awful hairpiece. If a man was willing to wear such a thing for reasons of pure vanity, why not then one which could protect him from 6-legged annoyance?"

Dutruv developed an wig, filled with filaments of conductive wire, insulated against the scalp by a shower cap lining the interior, and a power source worn on a belt around a waist. The device could be activated by a switch on the belt buckle, which sent a charge through the wig, electrifying any insects which came into contact with it.

Dutruv's Uncle Yuri models the electric wig at his family home in 2004. There appears to have been a falling out between them after this photograph was taken, and it may have been caused by a house fire which was likely caused by the wig. Photograph provided by CarbonNYC.

Worst ever recorded orchestral recital

2010-08-19T13:49:00.000+01:00

The worst ever recorded Orchestral recital was of Der Fleidermaus, and was performed by the Lisbon Philharmonic on August 19th 1967, at the Lisbon City Hall. Due to a problem with the hall’s central heating, the concert only went ahead because of the crippling financial problems faced by the orchestra’s owner, Plankton magnate Guiseppe Bounhi, who was hoping to sell the recordings through the LPO’s official newsletter. The heat caused all of the string instruments to fall out of tune, along with several of the woodwind instruments, whose lacquer softened. Also, as the concert continued, 13 members of the orchestra eventually passed out, until the concert was ended prematurely when a timpani player fainted and fell into a tuba. The conductor, Fredo Ballon, was quoted afterwards as saying, “I don’t think it could have been worse if you had asked Miles Davis to play in a sauna.”

Fredo Ballon, pictured here in 1972, when the Lisbon Philharmonic attempted to perform Der Fleidermaus again. Problems occurred again, this time because a bassoonist had accidentally allowed his pet ferret to escape during a rehearsal, and it had nested and given birth to young inside a cello. Ballon recalled in his autobiography Musings on Tempo, that, "The cacophony when the second strings came in was mind-boggling, but after the 1967 debacle, I was determined to see it through. By the time we reached the final act, the vibrations from the cello had either rendered the animals unconscious or killed the. I never checked. That is not my job." Photo provided by Crazyflyinmidget.

Fastest growing nasal hair

2010-08-02T07:46:00.001+01:00

The fastest growing human nasal hair belonged to Venezuelan Paco Nibrez. His hair grew at a rate of 1cm every 17hours, for a period of 5 weeks in 1974. Nibrez could find no medical explanation for his condition, and eventually came to blame it upon a curse, which he believed had been placed on him by a witchdoctor for running over a farmer’s prize goat.

Paco Nibrez, pictured after the nose hair had been trimmed, and had returned to a normal rate of growth. Nibrez commented, "They cannot tell me why it happened, or why it has stopped. I do not need their answers. I know why it was, and if I could bring that goat back, I would. I am just grateful that my prayers have been answered, and that my nostrils are no longer home to evil." Photo provided by ruurmo.

The shortest ever guitar solo

2010-07-20T15:48:00.004+01:00

The world’s shortest guitar solo is the Third track of Guitarist Dale Alpine’s 1974 Prog-Rock album Look at the Mess You’ve Made on the Carpet. The track, Ta-Da!, lasts 3 seconds, and consists of one note, played twice. Alpine’s fans had assumed that Ta-Da! was simply him tuning up when he performed it live on his Emaciated Puppet tour the previous year.

Dale Alpine, pictured at a 2009 gig, where he performed 17 encores of Ta-Da! This added 19 minutes to the show, 14 of which were taken up by standing ovations. Picture by Jeff Hardcastle.

The greatest number of assault charges relating to literary criticism

2010-07-12T22:10:00.001+01:00

The 35 members of the 'literary criticism group' Punching Dishonest Writers (PDW) were banned from meeting, 8 months after they were first established, and once 27 authors had been physically assaulted at their home addresses by the group. The group's leader Tennison Pentwick explained at a court hearing,

"The way we see it, you wouldn't lie to someone's face, 'cause if you lied to me and I found out, obviously I'd smash your face in. Problem is, when you're writing a book, you don't expect someone to punch you, 'cause it's all just words, so you can put as many lies in as you want. So what, we do, we read books each, work out if they look like they're lying, and we find out where they live, go round and punch them."

Tennison Pentwick attempts to leave court during his trial, having tripped up his barrister, stolen his wig, and run out of the courtroom. He was soon apprehended, and a charge of contempt was added to those he was already facing. Photo taken by Steve Punter

Pentwick accepted that the bulk of the assaults were the result of a 'balls up' in the group's initial approach, and they had then come to realise that they should only apply their 'criticism' to authors whose writing were non-fiction.

©2010 James Mathurin

Prehistoric citrus art

2010-07-03T12:30:00.003+01:00

An archaeological expedition in Southern Greece was surprised to find evidence of a prehistoric tribe who used citrus fruit to record images. It is believed that this was intended as a means of leaving secret messages to shy gods, as, much as children often use lemon juice to write 'disappearing ink' messages, these cave paintings only became visible when exposed to a heat source. This tribe was believed to worship a deity known as Schmoonktis, which was easily startled, and would answer any prayers that were left in a suitably peaceful way. According to depictions on the cave walls, Schmoonktis appeared as some kind of animal, similar to a squirrel, or perhaps a stoat.

Images of the paintings, which only became visible when one of their discoverers set up his portable stove to make some grilled Tuna sandwiches in the cave. The ambient heat was sufficient to cause a chemical reaction, which made the paintings visible again. Photograph provided by Klearchos Kapoutsis.

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 2

2010-06-27T12:00:00.004+01:00

Continuing the collection of inventions developed by Dimitri Dutruv, we now move onto the APG (Automatic Platitude Generator). In 2003, Dutruv was charged with developing a machine for automatically writing messages in greeting cards. Creating a series of stamps on rotating gears, with words like "best", "mum", "sweetest", "forever", "teacher", "pearly-lipped", "mechanic", "sorry", "niece", "this year", "tender", which could be printed into any card. It also featured a pulping chamber where cards, paper and leaflets could be fed in and mashed up to make new colours.

Although Dutruv believed that it could have been developed into a perfectly effective working model, his prototype cards were not to the satisfaction of the investor, due to what Dutruv described as "a currently unmanageable platitude randomisation factorisation."

One of the prototype cards produced by the APG. Unfortunately, it was supposed to be a 'commiseration card for the death of a grandparent', but appeared with this design, and the message, "Sweet tender Yom Kippurs, Auntie!" Image supplied by Boby Dimitrov.

The Great Sydney Nick-name war

2010-02-03T12:30:00.003Z

In Australia, in 1920, Sean McGrady, a renowned knife-fighter was so in demand by rival gangs that their assurances of money, power and women became so evenly matched that the only way of settling it was for each gang to use the local newspaper under their control to run a competition asking readers to send in nicknames that McGrady could have.

In a move that stunned both the readership, and the gangs in question, McGrady was, according to friends, so impressed by the entries on either side that he decided to start his own gang, instead of joining the others, so that he could hand out the nicknames to members of his new gang. This instigated a period of violent conflict between the gangs, which came to be known as the Great Sydney Nick-name war.

McGrady's new gang came to include members like Eyebrows McGhee, the Doyle brothers, Patches and Six-Toes, Seamus The Hat, Mike "Bollock-Punching" Thomas, Trousers McGoldrick, Patrick Three-Hats, Sausages Hoolihan, 3-Card Monty O'Hanlon, Devilled Eggs O'Connor, and his sister Devilled Ham, Toe Caps Pritchard, Meat Hook O'Shaughnessy, Pickles McGuinness, Five-Beers Burlington and Terrence 'Stinky' Calhoon.

McGrady (fourth from the right, seated on the car), pictured in 1921, with several of his lieutenants. Photo from the SMA archive.

Laboratory taken over by Capuchins

2010-01-27T20:20:00.003Z

In September of 2004, a group of scientists working in Honduras were evicted from their research station in the forest outside of Tegucigalpa by a troop of Capuchin monkeys. Kristophe Frinks, a laboratory assistant who lost a finger in the attack, commented in an interview with the Telegraph Food magazine a year later,

"Capuchins are actually very intelligent. They use tools and even show signs of self-awareness. In retrospect, we needed to work with more stupid monkeys."

Henley, one of the beta males of the troop, is pictured here guarding the complex from the assembled press. Shortly after this photograph was taken, phtotgraphers were driven back by a shower of large seeds, broken laboratory equipment and monkey faeces. From the photographic archive of kansasphoto.

The Inventions of Dimitri Druytuv, Pt.1

2010-01-20T12:30:00.003Z

Dimitri Druytuv is regarded as some as a man who could have been one of the greatest inventors ever. In fact, as researcher, Dale Egret, said,

"Druytuv could very well be termed as "The Greatest Inventor Who Never Was." His work will never be fully understood, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of his death, but what we do know shows us a fascinating picture of an uncommon inventive mind, who could possibly have revolutionised modern engineering if he and his work had survived."

In October 1996, Druytuv was killed on his way to the patent office, when he was struck by a removal van, crossing the road. The removal van crashed and exploded, consuming Druytuv's portfolio of engineering designs, with the exceptions of a few conceptual drawings, some of which will occaissionally be chronicled here.

Figuring that there are reputed to be few animals more sure-footed than Mountain Goats, Druytuv was inspired to develop a mountain bike with hooves on wheels. Examination of Druytuv's accounts showed that he had spent 5 months contacting butchers around the world, aquiring and experimenting with the hooves of different

A design photograph recoved from Druytuv's house, depicting a bicycle frame used for research purposes, using LEDs to pinpoint potential points of what Druytuv termed "hooval-augmentation." The photograph was passed onto design firm richardmasoner, to see if it could be used to recreate Druytuv's designs.

Least succesful telemarketing campaign

2010-01-13T12:30:00.003Z

The least succesful telemarketing campaign was run by the charity Bathrooms for Bitches, a charity supporting dogs abandoned due to incontinence. After 17 unsuccessful mail and telephone campaigns, in 2003 they brought on the 'Performing Arts-based fundraising team' of Miller and Barnes.

Speaking later in Marketing Bugle in July 2006, Matthew Miller of Miller and Barnes said,

"Our scheme involved the callers telephoning potential supporters, and howling down the phone at them, like an incontinent bitch. We spent weeks perfecting the pitch and timbre of incontinent bitches of various breeds, and the campaign raised 213 complaints, 19 criminal charges and 44 civil cases."

Staff at Miller & Barnes, pictured during the Bathrooms For Bitches campaign. Staff had to be trained specially to ensure that their howling did not exceed 100decibels. Jermaine Beckwithe, one of their callers, remembered, "Some days you would get home and all you could hear was the howling and whining." Picture provided by HowardLake.

Largest kitchen and toilet paper roll sculpture

2010-01-06T12:30:00.001Z

The largest sculpture made out of kitchen and toilet paper rolls was a 1:1 scale model of Egypt’s Great Pyramid, constructed in Valencia, Spain by Hercules Boroquez in May 1996. He sent out a Press Release saying, “After my scale model of the Louvre, made of novelty Easter wrapping paper, complete with Mona Lisa was destroyed in the Madrid monsoon of ’89, I have laboured to prove that the elements shall not hold sway over my artistic vision!” The structure stood until late November, when mist caused the paper rolls to inflate, and eventually collapse under their own weight.

Boroquez, pictured preparing for the 1997 Spanish Exposition, where he talked about the experience of losing his Pyramid sculpture, and announced his decision to embark on a five-year project consisting of watercolours of paving stones. Photo by Bengt Nyman.

Worst ever plot device

2009-12-30T11:20:00.004Z

The worst ever plot device was in the Antiguan Television Soap Opera Saint Francis Of Assisi Hospital. On an episode broadcast on Tuesday 17th January 1995, the character Dr. Joyce Fenetre was put into a coma when she was hit on the head by a wheelbarrow, which had fallen from an overhead hot-air balloon, piloted by her amnesiac twin’s cloned illegitimate daughter Nicole Shanchioux, who was trying to escape the country as she had been targeted by the leader of the town’s Chamber of Commerce, Percy Fillibacher, who was secretly a worshipper of an ancient Mayan sacrificial cult.

A last-minute plot rewrite made the hot-air balloon became necessary, as the town’s port had been closed due an infestation of rabid cockroaches (instigated by the villainous Fillibacher), and the airport had been closed when it turned out that it had been left to the unborn son of the town’s heroic fire chief-turned-baker, Peter Brankillie, by the last surviving member of a secret tribe of Caribs who owned the land it was built on, and who had lived on the island, but had been nearly wiped out by the villainous upholstery magnate Françoise McCady, so that he could build a Cushion factory on the land they lived on, until Peter exposed his plot, at the cost of his job, as he had been falsely implicated in the scheme by McCady’s fitness instructor, Teri Bastille, who was also the surrogate mother of his child. Without a way to get Nicole off the island, the writers arranged for millionaire and one-time American presidential candidate Ross Perot to make a cameo appearance on the show, so that he could pilot the hot-air balloon onto the beach, on the premise that he was travelling by balloon to his holiday home on the Falklands Islands.

On the show, Perot set the balloon down on the grounds of the Kentucky Hotel Antigua as he had run out of ballast in a freak Seagull-related incident. As his new supply of sand was brought to the balloon in a wheelbarrow carried by the Hotel’s one-eared handyman, Micah Memmette, Nicole ran past him and hijacked the balloon as her only means of escape.

While this was happening, a screw in the hotel’s boiler room, which had been knocked loose several months previously in a fight between Peter and the hotel’s concierge, Patty Cheveux, came loose, causing an underground gas-pipe explosion, which catapulted the wheelbarrow into the hot-air balloon just after Nicole had set off. Once Nicole had got the sand out of the wheelbarrow, she pushed it over the side, not realising that it was destined to fall on her amnesiac biological mother’s twin sister.

The Antiguan Radio Times reviewed the episode, saying, “We know the creators have wanted Joyce in a coma for months now, but this method was ridiculous. Mister Perot’s cameo was a welcome surprise, but Micah’s actions were completely out of character for a former Green Beret, and telling the whole story in a dream-scene flashback is an insult to anyone who has been watching the show for more than 5 weeks.” The reviewer gave the episode 2 stars out of a possible 5.

Ross Perot's hot air balloon makes it grand entrance on Saint Francis Of Assisi Hospital. Because of the producers of the show failing to properly notify the authorities, this resulted in the Antiguan Air Force being scrambled, and a state of war existing between the United States of America and Antigua for 23 minutes. Picture by ericlbc.

Highest number of accents in a minute

2009-12-23T12:30:00.005Z

The highest number of accents used in a minute was 58, and was achieved by Adrian Wilnjes of Eindhoven, Holland. Wilnjes, who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder, went through 58 distinct accents when he called into Holland’s leading radio talent show (whose title roughly translates as Show Us Your Mill-Master’s T-Bone Steak!), on 31^st July 2004. He later told his therapist, “Although I have over 60 personalities inside me, only 2 of them were involved in the telephone call. You see, they’re both amateur impressionists, and were competing against each other.” Wilnjes said that setting a new record was a consolation, as, “Neither of them are very funny.”

Ruud Ditvenhooy, host of Show Us Your Mill-Master’s T-Bone Steak! remembers Wilnjes as, "One of the most electrifying acts it has ever been my privelege to witness with my own ears. He could have gone all the way if not for the... unpleasantness that happened." Details of the 'unpleasantness' have been sealed by Dutch courts until 2015. Photo by YuvalH.

Worst ever theme party

2009-12-23T12:30:00.004Z

The worst ever theme party was thrown in 1996 by the Kwik Stop Service Station Corporation. Their Christmas party that year was a “normal day at work” party. When the staff had finished working they were taken, by coach, to another Kwik Stop Service Station, which was closed for the evening (for fumigation due to start the next day, because of an infestation of Earwigs), where they waited, in uniform, behind counters and tills, serving the management for 4 hours, with a 15 minute “themed lunch break window”, in which they could sit in the unventilated staff room, where the coffee machine was set to ‘free vend’. The vending machine in question had run out of Bovril. Although staff were told they could be fired if they did not return to their till on time, or if they left early, they were told they would not be paid. “Who would seriously expect us to pay our staff to attend their own party?” asked the regional manager, Phillip Strubb. The company was able to claim a tax rebate on the cost of the evening by claiming it as “business expenses”.

The 'Chill-out room' at the Kwik Stop theme party. Photo by moriza.

Smallest office chair

2009-12-16T13:30:00.002Z

The world’s smallest office chair was constructed by Gerte Hagemund, of Dortmund, Germany in 1977. It had a height of 4.8 centimetres, and Hagemund claims that it is the only remaining part of a complete ‘ergonomically designed’ office equipment set. “I made it for the fairies that I watch at the bottom of the garden,” she explained in an interview. “I have watched them since I was a little child, but as I grew older I noticed how bad their posture was. I don’t know if they ever actually do any office work, or whether they cavort all day long, but I felt I should do what I could to help.” Asked where the rest of the furniture was, she answered, “Well, they took it didn’t they? That’s the only thing that makes sense. I hope it has helped, as they completely ignored the little pamphlets I designed for them.”

Gerte [centre], pictured in 1982, with her mother and agent, and 3 items of office furniture (pictured on the table, but not visible due to the low resolution of the image, they include a chair, lamp and filing cabinet). Picture from the archive administered by anslatadams.

The longest legal debate

2009-12-09T12:30:00.005Z

The single longest legal debate took place in the Portugese Assembleia da República, when Luis Rotundo finally conceded defeat in his campaign to have 15 of the streets of Lisbon named after different animal kingdoms. "It all started with my vision to have an 'Alameda platyhelminthes'," Rotundo told journalists after the debate eventually ended, "And it saddens me that now the majesty of the natural world will not be commemorated in the form of Rua Vetulicolia, Estrada Brachiopoda, Caminho Ctenophora or Rua Nematomorpha." After the debate had lasted from 12th June 2002 until 24th September 2005, Rotundo vowed to plow his political efforts into the field of education and healthcare. He has since left politics to become a Carmelite monk.

The Lisbon street that would have become Estrda Xenoturbellida under the proposed 'Plano Rotundo', pictured by Allie_Caulfield.

Most annoying ringtone

2009-12-02T12:30:00.003Z

The most annoying Mobile telephone ringtone ever was developed by Sigmund Elfin, Of Stavangar, Norway. On a family trip home, he went into his childhood bedroom. “Growing up, I would often be woken by the sounds of pigs being slaughtered in the abattoir, which is just across the street from my bedroom window,” he explained later, “And I realised it was a part of my childhood I really missed. I was filming with my camcorder at the time, and I was recording while a pig was being slaughtered. I was able to extract the sounds when I got home, and engineered them into an MP3 ringtone. When I tried it for the first time, I blacked out, and when I came around I had smashed my phone. I played the ringtone to other people, with a similar effect. When people hear my phone ring, they have an irresistible urge to destroy it, and me.”

Sigmund Elfin, pictured here in the last known image of him, taken by himself, with a mobile phone with his ringtone programmed into it, on the 14th June 2005. All that was found was the destroyed phone, and a trail of Elfin's clothes, leading from a smashed window to the woods by his home. The photo is reproduced by permission of copyright owners kencf0618.

Most species in a conga-line

2009-11-25T12:30:00.002Z

The record for the most species in a single conga-line stands at 23, set by animals from the Kyoto zoo in Japan. At various points, it consisted of Wolves, Foxes, Dingoes, Hyenas, Cougars, Leopards, Pumas, Hippopotamuses, Elephants, Rhinoceroses, Iguanas, Alligators, Geckoes, Emus, Ostriches, Grizzly and Polar Bears, Penguins, Flamingos, Rabbits, Orang-utans, Gorillas, Chimpanzees, and Howler Monkeys (although not in that order). Shuya Inada, the zookeeper who organised the event in June 1997, said, “We had to make money to prevent the zoo from being converted into an elecrtical fan factory, so I tried to think of something that could show off the animals and get people’s interest. It was easier to manage than you might think, you can keep all the plant-eating animals together, and some of the carnivores can just be muzzled. We tried to sandwich the unmanageable animals between big animals like the elephants and hippos, where they couldn’t do any damage, and then we just had to make sure no one got trampled.” Asked about the success of the conga-line, Inada said, “We can keep the zoo open now, we just have to open a MacDonald’s on-site somewhere, release some snakes into the wild, and put a bowling alley under the Penguin Enclosure.”

Two Ash-Haired Sable Monkeys are put throught their paces in preparation for the conga. Inada commented, "Although they did not make it through to the final performance, these two were the ones it all really began with. It was a tragedy the way that Coyote got loose." Photo by animal photography agency pelican.

Most boring town on the planet

2009-11-18T12:30:00.003Z

The most boring town on the planet is Pinterville, a “planned community” in Colorado, USA. Founded in 1989 on a principle of housing “The affluent and morally-concerned”, its council has banned any activity that could be linked to poverty or depravity, eventually including music (“Lots of poor people make music, and lots of popular musicians set very morally lax examples,” said council member Ely Smithsonian. ”Even classical music can be a ‘gateway hobby’ to more questionable stylings, so we were forced to ban that as well.”), comedy (“Most comedians talk endlessly on subjects we’d rather not think about”) and art (“Too many naked people.”). Currently, the only permitted pastime in the town is competitive calligraphy, and the town’s team, the Pinterville Penmans, have reached the Colorado state semi-finals for 3 years running.

This pair of chairs was confiscated in 2000 from the house of Mason Goodroot and his wife Mindy, on the charge of being 'designed in a style that is potentially a source of visual discord," by the Pinterville Municipal Council, who found it to be in violation of at least 17 town ordnances. Photo by A gregglesworth.

Longest-lasting twitchy eye

2009-11-11T12:30:00.002Z

The longest-lasting twitchy eye was recorded in Damien Kilbanney, of Soweto, South Africa. It was first detected in an ultrasound 5 months before he was born in April 1994, and continued, even in his sleep, until he underwent a course of Electro – Convulsive Therapy (ECT) in June 2001, meaning his left eye had been twitching continually for at least 7 years and 2 months. His mother, Sally Kilbanney said, “After he came round from the ECT, the first thing he said was, “Why have you all stopped jumping?” I could have cried.” An interesting side-effect of Damien’s condition was that it rendered him completely immune to hypnotism and subliminal advertising. Since being cured, he has been conditioned sing Motorhead’s The Ace of Spades every time he hears the phrase, “Would you like coleslaw with that?” Damien has been put into care.

A close-up shot of Damien Kilbanney's eye, taken by his family physician Earnest Brande in 2002. Brande commented in his article on Kilbanney, published in the medical journal, The International Journal of Anomalous Ocular Conditions and Infections that, "If Hell looked like an eye, this is the eye that it would be." Photo by dotbenjamin.

most albums at the same chart position

2009-11-04T20:00:00.001Z

The musical act to have had the most albums reach the same number in the charts is the Finnish band Sumptuous Monkey, who released 48 albums between 1994 and 2003, all of which reached 49 in their national charts. The band’s Triangle player, Killi Nebulas, said in a press conference before the launch of their 49th album, Cling the Ham, “I guess 49 is our lucky number. Although we’ve set a record, we’re hoping we can make it 49 records at 49, then we may re-evaluate our future as a group. Personally, I’m glad we haven’t been charting higher, as I love my job in the cheese-packing plant.” Unfortunately the media attention surrounding Cling the Ham meant that it entered the chart at 17, causing lead singer Lenni Pixxinix to attack their drummer “Spuddy”.

Lenni Pixxinix performs at the opening of Sumptuous Monkey's 1997 Smack Your Neice tour at the Helsinki Rokodrome. Picture by Gabriele.

The most lenient referee

2009-10-27T11:20:00.001Z

The World’s most lenient referee is the Czech Pert Salsbid. During one league 2 netball match in 1994, he allowed one player to stab 2 opponents before showing her a yellow card. At a Czech Netball Association inquiry he said, “I wasn’t happy with her conduct, but the two players were bandaged by their physio, and I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the game, so I hoped the yellow card would make her realise she needed to cool off. Regrettably, when she stabbed one of her own players 3 times in the second half, I had no choice but to send her off.”

Pert Salsbid, pictured refereeing at the 1995 Hans Vikjars Indoor Netball Tournament. In this match, 3 players and 17 spectators received minor gunshot wounds. Photo from sports agency CrotchSplay.

Shortest hard - back novel

2009-10-20T12:30:00.002+01:00

The shortest hard-back novel ever published was Visits to the Nabobs by Gwynne Arbunathapathy, published in 1942, “a jolly account of one travelling family of cobblers’ encounters with ancient Druids, set in the Welsh valleys”, according to one review. Although the book was 354 pages long, the story only filled the last 56 pages of it, while 110 of the previous pages were filled with the author’s exhaustive list of people he wished to thank (including every member of the Lithuanian consulate in Canada, “without whom a third of this book would have been hopelessly inaccurate”), and a further 183 pages contained the list of who the book was dedicated to, a list which included every member of Arbunathapathy’s exhaustively researched family tree, going back 17 generations.

Gwynne Arbunathapathy, pictured here with her publisher Gilly 'Private' Bryden, who received some 7 pages of dedication in her book. From the collection by adobemac

First telephoned death-threat

2009-10-15T12:30:00.001+01:00

The first ever telephoned death-threat was made on April 23^rd 1902, from Ethan Bitherwick-Showes to his school-friend Parker Johns, when Bitherwick-Showes discovered that Johns had framed him for the theft of their boarding schools ceremonial rain-hat, during their third year at MacWortie’s School for Young Gentlemen. When his fiancee let the secret slip, Bitherwick-Showes immediately telephoned Johns, screaming, “I swear Sir, that I shall beat you to death with a mahogany lavatory seat!”

An unrepentant Bitherwick-Showes, pictured in 1905, attending a civil prosecution brought about due to his 'persistent and obsessive nagging and prattling' of Parker Johns. He was found guilty, and fined 3/6. Photo by Paul Stevenson.

Worst artificial foodstuff

2009-10-10T18:30:00.001+01:00

The worst artificial foodstuff ever developed was ‘NewHam’, a “cheap, delicious substitute for everyone’s favourite sandwich filling,” developed by the ICU Corporation in response to the infamous ‘Botswana Pork Shortage’ of 1956. The product was mainly derived from quilts and salt, and was said to cause, “choking, swelling of the veins, and irritation of the eyes.”

The photograph that led to the international community's banning of 'New-Ham', taken in Botswana in 1976, documented as showing the results of a plate of 'New-Ham' being allowed to dehydrate in the Sun for 16 hours. This phenomenon of 'New-Ham' separating into it's component parts of quilt, salt and preservatives was believed to be responsible for up to 56 deaths and 743 upset stomachs. Photo by FirstBaptistNashville.

Most argumentative person

2009-09-25T13:00:00.001+01:00

The most argumentative person in the world was Alexei Shamunshumovich, who lived in Leningrad in the former USSR. Over the course of his 46 years, he challenged the details on his Birth Certificate 22 times, going so far as to charge his parents with fraud on 7 occasions. He only ever worked as a mechanic, despite his supervisor trying unsuccessfully to have him fired 9 times, because he argued so much that he rarely got any work done. He argued so vociferously at every attempt to fire him, that he was never actually fired, although he also argued passionately that his supervisor was wrong to take him back every time. He was sentenced to death in 1956 when he jumped onto the podium at an official Communist Party rally, in order to insist that Lenin was not in fact the father of Communism, but was an Algerian carrot vendor, insisting, “Anyone who cannot see that I am right is a Menshevik War Criminal!” Although he had his sentence of Death by Firing Squad commuted at the last moment, he successfully argued that allowing him to live would send out the wrong message, and so was promptly executed.

Aphoto of Shamunshumovich, aged 25, on show in Moscow as a tribute to 'dissenters everywhere, no matter how pointless.' Photo by rwhgould.

Most shameless politician

2009-09-18T13:00:00.000+01:00

The world’s most shameless politician is Armando Ciabbatta of Italy. While being interviewed on national television in 1978 on charges of corruption, he reacted to a question he didn’t like by bribing the interviewer, Toni Moccietto while still on camera. When the interviewer refused the money, Ciabbatta demanded, “That’s not enough? Well tough, I’ve been spending too much money buying votes to waste it on the likes of you!”

Toni Moccietto photographed as Armando Ciabbata stormed out of the studio, photographed by robertgaal.

Worst ever hiring policy

2009-09-13T19:01:00.001+01:00

The worst ever hiring policy of a business was adjudged by the DeToille business school to be that of International Patio Heaters inc. who, during the summer of 1996, only employed people if they had “business-oriented surnames.” They abandoned the policy after one of their deliverymen changed his name from Paul Goodsock to William Outsidethebox and was immediately promoted to Director of Human Resources, whereupon he doubled the salaries of the other deliverymen.

Outsidethebox, née Goodsock, leaving work for the last time, after being sacked for misappropiation of resources. An anonymous source suggested that he had actually been fired for "taking the piss." Photo by Ihuiz.

Worst impression ever

2009-09-03T12:30:00.001+01:00

The worst impression ever was performed by Darmuid O’Houghlahan, from Derry, Ireland. After being heard doing his self-styled ‘world-famous Elvis Presley impersonation’ in a public house in 1985, he was employed by ITN to use the same voice to dub over speeches by Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein.

Gerry Adams, pictured here in 2004, at the unveiling of O’Houghlahan Street in Derry, named after Darmuid for his continuing charity work in raising awareness of 'Toe Rot'. Photo by albertw

Largest collection of old newspapers

2009-08-27T16:17:00.002+01:00

The largest collection of old newspapers is owned by Doris Windowell, of Yorkshire, Britain. She has a collection of 95, 000 copies of The Gromville Chronicle, her free local paper. She boasted,

“35, 000 copies are from 11th May, 1936, when my husband, Stan got his picture in there for winning the County gardening fete, 20, 000 are from 19th October 1962, when my son Arthur had his picture printed for winning his school talent competition, 15,000 are in there from 22nd June 1981 when I had my picture printed for having Yorkshire’s biggest collection of newspapers, and 25, 000 are from 3rd July 1981, when my picture was printed for having Britain’s largest collection of newspapers. After that I wasn’t allowed to buy The Chronicle any more.”

Doris pictured in 1981, receiving her award for having Britain's largest collection of newspapers. Picture courtesy of the quinn.anya agency.

Most convoluted Rhyming slang

2009-07-22T00:33:00.003+01:00

The record for most convoluted example of Rhyming Slang was set by ‘Dodgy’ Danny Phillips at the 2001 Cockney Games in Hackney, London. He constructed a sequence of 92 phrases, which led from “Neo-conservative” to “Polyphonic ring tone.”

‘Dodgy’ Danny Phillips pictured here celebrating his victory, which saw him unseat the encumbent champion Eddie 'Berkshire Hunt' Andrews. Photo by law_keven

Fotheringtonistan

2009-07-14T12:11:00.000+01:00

The smallest nation in the world is Fotheringtonistan. This tiny nation has no citizens, and is located within the borders of Kenya. It exists as a result of a disputed land contract signed by British explorer, entrepreneur, slave trader, and fish tycoon, Martin Roberts-Roberts-Fotherington, on 11th April 1804. Roberts-Roberts-Fotherington was so outraged when he found out that the contract, which he had re-mortgaged his second-largest Haddock-trawler to pay for, only covered an area comprised of 3.24 square metres on the side of a hill, that he renounced his British citizenship, and declared the patch of land to be an independent republic, upon which he would settle and rule. Unfortunately, his boat sank on the journey to his republic, when it collided with the edge of Africa. His wife, Edith, insisted that the land remain independent, and created both a flag and national anthem for Fotheringtonistan. Despite the family refusing to alter the status of the country, it is not actually recognised by the United Nations or any other country, and has not been retaken by the Kenyan government only because they say it is “useless”.

This fence, photographed in 1974 by TW Angel representes the entire Western border of Fotheringtonistan.

Most teeth lost in an hour

2009-04-13T19:14:00.002+01:00

The highest number of teeth lost in one hour was 27, by Art “Bridges” McBride, 37, of New Jersey, in the United States of America. At 11:30 AM, on June 25th 1984, Art had just had his 6-monthly company health check-up, at the Smilin’ Uncle Bernie Hubcap Corporation’s New York State Headquarters, and it was confirmed that he had 29 teeth, all healthy. At 12:17 PM, however, he had checked into his local hospital’s Emergency Room, with only 2 teeth remaining, his 2nd upper and lower molars. Although it was suspected that he had either knocked them out himself, had got into a fight, or sold them on the Black Market, there was no sign of physical trauma, or even bleeding, which seemed to discount all of these possibilities. McBride said, “I have no idea what happened. The first I knew was when I went to bite into a carrot and meatball ciabbatta, and all I could do was make this slurping sound. What really worries me is if there’s some jerk out there, running around with my teeth.”

McBride, pictured three weeks before the 'Ciabatta Incident'. Photo courtesy of Spiky Gaijin

The record for shouting “Cha cha taxi Chi chi”

2009-03-19T12:50:00.003Z

The record for shouting “Cha cha taxi Chi chi” most times in 52 seconds was set by Cyril Barnaby, 58, from Chipperwick, Hants in 1985, which he directd at Jenss Tjóblid, the visiting mayor of Bornbild, the Danish town with which Chpperwick is twinned. He later told his local newspaper, “It started out as a joke, but it quickly became my passion. I feel I’ve left a legacy for my grandchildren, and I hope it will persuade Britons not to go into the EEC.”

Cyril Barnaby pictured half way through his record-breakig attempt, captured by indepedent news organisation, closelyobserved.

The largest number of phones to explode in one house in one year

2009-02-23T16:13:00.002Z

The largest number of phones to explode in one house in one year is 24, in 1997. It was in the house of Mary Davies, a resident of Columbus, Ohio. She told her local news channel, “A lot of people have said it was because of my pet Bush Baby, Bronson, marking them as his territory, but I think this is how angels communicate with us.”

Bronson, pictured in his habitat, which is now required by local ordnance to be kept at least 15 metres from any telephonic device. Photo courtesy of Eggybird

Fights in a pre-match boxing press conference

2009-02-23T16:11:00.006Z

The most number of fights to break out in a pre-match boxing press conference was 17, before a 1999 bout in London between Clarence ‘Badger Baiter’ McFadden and Jimbo ‘Peter’ Thatchell. Because of the promoter’s insistence that the conference be finished, it eventually lasted 1 hour and 44 minutes, although by the end, all but 3 members of the press had evacuated the conference hall. A further 31 fights broke out as the players returned to their hotel. Thatchell’s manager, Moses Jones, said, “with hindsight, we knew there was bad blood between the boys after one of Jimbo’s mates sold Badger’s mum a dodgy amplifier, so getting them adjoining rooms was a silly mistake on my part.”

Manager Moses Jones is led to meet Clarence ‘Badger Baiter’ McFadden's mother to offer her a new amplifier as a 'peace offering'. Photo by fredcamino.

Kangaroo lapping an inflatable Kit-Kat

2009-02-23T16:06:00.006Z

The world record for the largest number of laps by a kangaroo around a giant inflatable Kit-Kat is 754. It was set in a 12-hour stint by ‘Handsome Marvin’, a kangaroo owned by Dirk Foscombe, of New South Wales, Australia, on June 15th 2000. The record was unintentionally caught on camera by a local news crew, who were present to film the giant balloon, a star attraction at the Dirthump Town Fair. Mister Foscombe said, “Of course I’m chuffed that Handsome Marvin is a world record holder, but I’m well out of pocket. I hired that Kit-Kat myself, and only a couple of kiddies got on it before Marvin started circling it.” Asked why his kangaroo had done such a thing, Mr. Foscombe could only say, “His eyesight’s not that great. Maybe he thought it was Digger, my sheepdog who died last year. I’ve tried to explain it to Marvin, but he just can’t let him go.”

Marvin, pictured with owner Dirk Foscombe, on holiday in Europe in 2001. Picture courtesy of travisreitter

The most delicious edible clothes

2009-01-17T16:12:00.008Z

Officially, the most delicious edible clothes are chocolate Liederhosen of Das Herr Schmieklegrupper Patissertailors of Old Dusseldorf. According to the Journal of Consumable Clothing, "The family tradition of edible pantaloons stretches back at least 3 generations, to the 1892 debut of Heinrich Schmieklegrupper's marzipan bathing suits. Today, Frank Schmieklegrupper maintains his families traditions with aplomb."

A model wearing a pair of Schmieklegrupper's Caramel Leiderhosen and matching socks at the 2004 Rotterdam Edible Legwear Expo. Photo courtesy of Skype Nomad. The judges declared the design, "Bold, innovative and creamy."

The most powdered milk consumed in one hour

2008-12-02T19:18:00.006Z

The most powdered milk consumed in one hour was 23 kilograms. This was achieved in 1967 by Ursa Borisdotir of Reykjavik, Iceland, who said, “I was able to consume no more than 15 kilograms, until I found that I was able to consume a much larger amount if I only consumed the powder. The Assessors allowed this method, but only if I consumed the correct amount of water within 15 minutes of finishing, and then jumped up and down until the solution was mixed in my stomach.”

Borisdotir, pictured with his lucky plastic fork, 'Old Uli'

Photograph provided by That Other Paper

Most gods sighted in one place

2008-11-09T00:48:00.004Z

The most Gods ever sighted in one place was on a piece of toast owned by Pascha Mirbel, of Prague, in the Czech Republic in 1999. He told reporters,

“I was about to butter it, when I noticed that the face of Jesus seemed to have appeared on the surface of the toast. After staring at that for a moment, I noticed that Buddha was next to him, and Kali and Krishna were on the other side. After looking further, I noticed that the Arabic script for ‘Allah’ was just under Jesus’ beard. I am so relieved my butter smelt a bit funny that morning, or I might have ended up offending many, many deities.”

Mr. Mirbel's original slice of toast was destroyed in an attack by Hank Deershorn, a Scientologist fundamentalist in April 2000. Pictured is another slice which escaped his flamethrower rampage, which unfortunately only shows one religious icon, the Virgin Mary.

Photograph by Matt Gothik

Smallest Public Transportation System

2008-10-28T18:26:00.003Z

The world’s smallest Public Transportation Network is in the Leisure compound lived in by reclusive Albanian Pop-star Miklik. Converted from a mine shaft on an Island in the middle of a lake near his hometown, Miklik’s estate covers some 35 square meters, but extends 17 stories underground.

One of the buses that services Miklik's estate. The minute size of the estate means that the buses cannot actually turn, but come to rest on a series of strategically-placed revolving platforms. Photo provided by So gesehen.

Least Effective Charity Event

2008-10-17T21:45:00.005+01:00

The least effective charity event ever organised was the “Mugging for Charity Fortnight” organised by the mayor of Llanllewy, Wales in 1998. Over the two weeks there was an amnesty on all street crime, as long as 50% of all money taken was given to a charity set up to raise money for a new gift shop in the town’s hospital. Unfortunately, the steep rise in crime was too much for the town’s 9 police officers to deal with, and by Wednesday on the second week, the entire hospital had been burned down. Gwynnford Powys, the mayor of Llanllewy's only comment was, “I still believe it was a basically sound idea, and you can’t deny that it got a lot of people very excited.”

Reg Dennis, one of the 'Mugging For Charity' organisers, in his role of 'Donation-encourager'. Picture courtesy of Swamibu

©2008 James Mathurin

Worst job promotion

2008-09-22T10:31:00.004+01:00

The worst ever job promotion was when Alistair Jones, a worker at Melbourne Zoo, was made Vice-Executive Olfactory Presentation Technician in 1996. His duties consisted mainly of disposing of dung from the zoo’s ‘Waste Intensive Mammals’, chiefly Elephants and Rhinoceroses, and cleaning their pens. Although these duties were identical to those of his previous position (‘Dunny Scraper’), the management of the zoo awarded Jones the promotion, at an identical wage, but with a 3 minute longer lunch break, after he “improved the efficiency of the zoo’s wastage recycling/disposal techniques.” Jones explained, “Well, there’s only so much crud you can shovel into the Polar Bear enclosure before folks start asking if they’re looking at Grizzlies, so I realised ‘hey, the chimps love to chuck their own around so much, why not line their cages with it?’”

Alistair Jones at work with one of the 'Waste Intensive Mammals' (photo by Muzina Shanghai)

The Shortest-lived religion on record

2008-09-14T09:57:00.006+01:00

The shortest-lived religion on record was the Pondeastic sect of Lithuania, formed and dissolved on July 17th 1956 by Marzo Passakre, 24. Passakre believed that he had been contacted by God, who told him to run back home to prepare for the rapture. Within 4 hours he had recruited some 257 followers in his home town of Bursnabruk, and had written a draft for the first book of his ‘revised bible’. The religion ended when his younger brother Uri told him that the voice he had heard had actually been him passing on a message from their mother to come home to feed their goat. A friend of the family told reporters, “Marzo has always been a natural leader, and not the most thoughtful of people. Really, we should have seen this coming.”

©Copyright 2008 James Mathurin

Most Cheese Sculptures in one week

2008-09-01T14:55:00.002+01:00

The most cheese sculptures made in one week was 97, by Kurdish artist Yitzhak Khrambrooluy between March 10^th to 16^th 2002. He said, “For many people June 1972 was the Golden Age of cheese sculpture, but times are changing. I’m just trying to bring it back into the public eye. Eventually they will melt, but their legacy will live on.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Poorest-selling musical compilation

2008-08-16T16:05:00.001+01:00

The poorest-selling musical compilation ever was Now, That’s What I Call Animals Getting Slaughtered 3. Belgian producer Marcus Bellepain, was actually surprised at the poor sales. “We only produced the first NTWICAGS for a joke, but were surprised when it got to 32 in the Belgian album charts, and 27 in the Swiss,” he said in an interview on May 7^th 2002. ”The second album didn’t do quite so well, but we really didn’t expect number 3 to sell only 6 copies, and half of them were returned within a fortnight.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Most severe case of sleep-walking

2008-08-10T01:34:00.001+01:00

The most severe case of sleepwalking occurred in 1999. Rachel Fordless of Swansea, Wales, awoke at around 11:30pm on the 21^st July. In her sleep she dressed herself, took her purse, made her way to a 24-hour Internet Café and booked a ticket for herself to Glasgow, under the name Pietra Flambeau. She awoke in a Glasgow police station at 9:45 the next morning, having been arrested for assaulting two bouncers, leaving one in hospital.

©2008 James Mathurin

World's smallest roundabout

2008-08-04T23:53:00.001+01:00

The world’s smallest roundabout is on the B247, in Walliesbottom, Sussex. It encircles a pond with a diameter of 1.25 metres, which used to be in the back garden of Marcus Sodbury’s house. When the new road was built in 2002, Mr. Sodbury’s house was demolished to make way for it, but due to a byelaw dating back to the 16^th Century, the pond had to be preserved, and the road had to go around it, rather than to the side, “lest Lucifer find his way o’er the vacant side of the lane.”

©2008 James Mathurin

The smallest recorded cardboard box

2008-07-31T00:25:00.001+01:00

The smallest recorded cardboard box was constructed by Kenyan chartered accountant Manse Oskalja, in April 2004. The finished box measured 3mm by 4mm by 3mm. Oskalja said, “This is actually a bigger box than 3 which I constructed over the last 5 years, but I accidentally inhaled 2 of them, and my dog sat on the third, rendering it invalid in the Assessor’s opinion. I am glad to have set the record, but I will not be happy until I have repeated the feat of my previous, lost, boxes.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Most Pointless insult on vinyl

2008-07-26T18:35:00.000+01:00

The most pointless insult ever recorded on vinyl was spoken by Inuit Peppor Kummel in May 1954. A visiting documentary maker recorded her telling her neighbour, “Your niece wears Azerbaijani slippers on Thursdays!” Asked about the meaning, she said, “It may seem meaningless to you, but she knows what I meant, and I feel very strongly about it.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Longest a telephone has been left off the hook

2008-07-15T00:06:00.000+01:00

The longest a telephone was ever left to ring without being answered was 17 months and 5 days. It was due to Marcia Luffoni of Parma, Italy calling her boyfriend, Luca Baggabona before they set off on a round-the-world cruise on 5^th June 1975. “I called Luca to ask him to remember to bring his Gucci verruca sock, but before he answered I remembered I had forgotten to pack my Prada travel insurance document holder.” Unbeknownst to Marcia, Luca had already left his house, so his telephone went unanswered. Luca arrived at Marcia’s house before she returned to her telephone, and they left in a hurry, as they were running late. Thus, Marcia’s telephone remained off the hook, and Luca’s rang until he returned home on the 10^th November 1976. “I am just glad the phone was ringing, and not answered,” Luca said later, “As even our combined salaries could not have paid off such a bill.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Most appearances by a dead Soccer player

2008-07-10T13:34:00.002+01:00

The football player who made the most number of appearances after dying was Greenlander Olkvijk Hamtlov, who died of an aneurysm in February 1992, aged 32. His embalmed corpse was played in goal for five matches by his club Bumblebee 1802, during which they conceded only 7 goals. The corpse was also selected for one international fixture, but was only an unused substitute. His club manager, Berf Volbenagg told the press, “Some have accused us of only picking Olkvijk so he could win this record, but his selection was purely tactical. I am glad this happened in winter, as we would not have been able to play him for as long as we did in a warmer month.”

Fingers in a hippo's mouthhi

2008-07-02T22:01:00.000+01:00

The world record for the highest amount of fingers stuck in the mouth of an aroused hippopotamus was set by staff at the Algerian State zoo in May, 2003. The Hippopotamus keeper, Aliah Ammash, said, “We’ve no idea how it got started, but it seemed like every other day someone managed to get their fingers stuck in Trudy’s [the hippopotamus in question] mouth. After a while we started to keep a record of it, but we were astounded when there were as many as 32 people, all with fingers stuck in there!” The zoo has since bought an animatronic hippopotamus mouth to commemorate the achievement. “It’s good, as many people simply do not realise how big a Hippo’s mouth is until they’re stuck in there,” commented Ms. Ammash.

©2008 James Mathurin

Smallest Mass Wedding

2008-06-28T15:52:00.000+01:00

The smallest mass wedding was conducted by the Muggy Cult of Lisbon, Portugal in May 2004. The Cult leader, Luis De Stanza, had prophesied 5 years earlier that he would perform 3,000 wedding ceremonies for his followers on that day, but since he only had 7 followers, and 4 of them were men, according to the laws of his religion, he had to marry 3 of the men to the 3 women, and then perform 2,997 ceremonies between himself and the 3 women. When one of the women, Nannetta Costa, left the cult later that year, she sued De Stanza for divorce 999 times, on 1,998 counts of bigamy, bankrupting both him and the cult.

©2008 James Mathurin

Worst car-parker

2008-06-25T21:06:00.001+01:00

The worst car-parker in the world is Belgian Japer Softop, 56. After trying to Parallel Park outside his office, in Brussels, in May 2002, he and his car were found in a ditch just outside Tours, in central France.

©2008 James Mathurin

Most naked people seen out of the corner of an eye

2008-06-22T00:35:00.004+01:00

The most recorded naked people seen out of one person's eyes was 75 during a 58 day period in October 1996. Such a precise measurement is possible because the person in question was Australian policeman Sean Maduire, and each occurrence was recorded in his official reports as an occurrence of indecent public exposure. After two months Maduire was convinced that there was a ring of radical hippie nudist performance artists operating in Melbourne, but when he tried to create a special police task force to deal wit them, a combination of optical and psychiatric therapy demanded by his superiors revealed that no more than three of his reports related to actual events. Maduire was required to take a 2 month vacation on half pay, and then returned to active duty.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Worst Bargain

2008-06-19T20:11:00.002+01:00

The worst bargain ever is officially recognised as being the 2002 transaction between Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, and an anonymous seller on the website ebay.com, of a third of his country’s GDP for the year, in exchange for a video boxset of the BBC situation comedy The Vicar of Dibley. When the seller took a month to post the item to him, Kim left them negative feedback on the website, threatening to bomb Somerset in retribution for the perceived insult.

Worst Theme Party

2008-06-16T22:01:00.000+01:00

The most pointless conspiracy

2008-06-12T23:57:00.001+01:00

The most pointless conspiracy ever was carried out by the people of the town of Manjchien, in Namibia. During the mayoral re-election campaign of 1998, the townsfolk, the mayor, Lloyd Mingee, and the wife of his opponent, Pambanour Seclun, conspired to have the words “vote for me if you love doodoo” tattooed onto Seclun’s forehead, after drugging him during the mayoral debates. No outsiders have been able to get an explanation as to why from the people of Manjchien.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most Annoying Man in Europe

2008-06-09T00:18:00.000+01:00

The most annoying man in Europe is Stephan Thatcher of Middlesex, Britain. He was certified by a panel of behavioural experts and sociologists in May 1982. Professor Archie Fisting, a member of the panel, said, “It is difficult to say exactly what makes young Steven so annoying. He’s not significantly more ignorant than most members of the public; it may be a particular quality of his voice, his face, his taste in music. We’re not entirely sure, but he’s just much more annoying than any subject I have ever observed.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most argumentative novelist

2008-06-02T23:52:00.006+01:00

The most confrontational novelist is Geoffry Thorne of Los Angeles, America. The ratio of arguments to published work, has run at around 86 to 2 between 2006 to 2008. His recorded arguments, carried out over print media, blogs, message boards and in person, range in topics from race and politics to literature, creative writing, history, whether he wrote the original screenplays for several Hollywood blockbusters (Thorne denies being in any way connected to the 2005 Michael Bay movie The Island, despite dogged internet rumours), and science. Commenting after Thorne's third fistfight of the 2007 convention season, event organiser told Wizard Magazine, "Geoff's a great writer, but we're all worried that one day he's really going to hurt someone."

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

World's worst poet

2008-05-29T20:37:00.002+01:00

The world’s worst poet is Guistaffe Archburger, of Brussels in Belgium. He was awarded the title by a panel of judges in 1953, in recognition of his work The Belly-Dancer’s Colanders. This epic, 732-page work recounts a journey from his studio to the local street market to buy a sack of cat litter. Accepting the award, Archburger declared, “Some would be ashamed of collecting this award. I am far too pretentious to care. I would like to thank the panel, as I had not even realised that every line in the poem ended with the word ‘fortnight’ until they pointed it out.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

World's biggest piece of cheese

2008-05-23T21:29:00.001+01:00

The world’s biggest piece of cheese was made by Hamza Akhrash, a Kazakhstani farmer between January and July 1995. Hamza told the national news programme he produced the hunk of Gouda, weighing 3.4 metric tonnes, “because my home town lacked a tourist attraction. Now I hope the council will be able to build a municipal swimming baths.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most dangerous Music

2008-05-16T00:20:00.001+01:00

The world’s most dangerous music is the “post-industrial-folk-prog-jazz-blood-rock-fusion-muzack” of Onasis Pippins and The Grotty Supply Cupboard, of Switzerland. Their music has been known to cause such severe bleeding of the eardrums that members of the crowd at their concerts have been known to drown. In 1982, one fan, Pierre Schashlik, was deafened by running his finger along the outer rim of their LP There’s a Firebomb in my Baby’s Crevice.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Biggest snot bubble

2008-05-10T18:05:00.000+01:00

The biggest nasal mucus bubble was blown by 5-year old Zeke McCluskin of Melbourne, Australia in June 1989. His brother Samuel said, “Zeke started crying when he realised I lied about Hulk Hogan coming to our school, and at first we just wanted him to stop, because he always gets a big snot bubble and it’s gross. But then after 15 minutes the bubble was still getting bigger, so I told my cousin Bill to get a ruler and a camera. Zeke nearly stopped crying while Bill was away, so I had to poke him with a stick a few times, and the bubble actually got bigger.” The final bubble measured 28.7cm across. Although the boys insist the bubble didn’t pop for 32 minutes, the record still stands with Anil Bulpa of Bangalore, India, who sustained a bubble for 3 hours 17 minutes and 20 seconds in 1964.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Town with most Fire Stations

2008-05-07T00:11:00.000+01:00

The town with the most Fire Stations is Guantalolopea, in Venezuela, which has 17 stations within its 5 mile square borders, due to an article in the town charter demanding that a new station be built every 11 years. Mayor Hector Valzabamor said, “The last time we tried to change the article in the charter, it resulted in three houses falling into the river. Some say it was the hurricane, but we decided it was safer to keep building stations.” The record was previously held by Slopjke, a town in Croatia, which had 21 stations all on one block. However, 5 were destroyed when a Fire Engine exploded in its bay in 2001, due to a portable toaster being left plugged into the cigarette lighter on the dashboard for 17 hours.
copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most Kinder Egg Surprises

2008-05-02T20:35:00.001+01:00

The record for most Kinder Egg Surprise toys is 52, 514, owned by Martin Parsley of Norwich. Asked about his collection, he said, “I started collecting them in 1984, but the funny thing is, it wasn’t until 1991 that I realised there were toys in the little yellow thingies, so you can imagine my surprise!”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Longest Goal Celebration

2008-04-29T23:49:00.004+01:00

The longest ever goal celebration lasted 3 months. In the final match of the season between the Spanish local league clubs San Leppe and El Porcos on the 15^th June 1982, Porcos midfielder Salvatore Despuidas scored an injury-time winner, helping his club avoid relegation. Removing his shirt, he ran screaming off the pitch, straight down the road to a Carmelite monastery, where he took a vow of silence and became a monk. It was assumed that he’d left the club, but, during a training session before El Porcos’ first match of the next season, Despuidas appeared, running, screaming onto the pitch, wearing the same kit he’d worn on the 15^th of June, and took a place on the substitutes bench. When his story made the local paper he told the interviewer,

“I promised myself that if I scored I would have a very special celebration. This came to me in a flash, and although I maybe regretted it at a couple of points, I felt I had to see it through.”

Longest-held swear word

2008-04-26T22:25:00.001+01:00

The longest-held swear word was a 92 second “knob”, uttered by Scottish radio phone-in host Alex MacClaxon, on his show, Claxon Sounds Off, on 23^rd November 2003. Many listeners protested that the drawn-out swear word could only have been produced with the aid of studio trickery, but the Scottish MP he was interviewing at the time testified to its authenticity.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Worst Blaxpoitation Movie

2008-04-23T13:46:00.002+01:00

The worst ever Blaxploitation movie was the 1978 production, Brother T-Rex, starring Odell Hazelwood as Terrence “Brother T-Rex” Lucas, an African-American archaeologist, based in Queens, New York, with Cleona Versailles as his assistant Latysha “Galaxy Hazelnut” Shaw. The plot involved Lucas protecting the remains of an ancient African kingdom from historical revisionist, Ku-Klux-Klan, CIA-funded ninja monks. The film is often cited as an inspiration for Steven Spielberg and George Lucas’ Indiana Jones series of films, despite the fact that neither of them could have seen it, as the film was destroyed after it’s first showing in a Harlem cinema for being, according to the proprietor, Madame Fiji Moses, “too damn booty for words.”

Dead cat swinging

2008-04-22T00:11:00.002+01:00

The World record for smallest room in which a dead cat was swung was set by Sicilian Guillermo Piccolo in September 1984. He swung the corpse of his family’s 3-Year old pet cat Franco in the 1.3m² bathroom of their apartment. He said afterwards, “This was our way of giving Franco immortality before we buried her. She was a good pet.”