Most boring town on the planet

The most boring town on the planet is Pinterville, a “planned community” in Colorado, USA. Founded in 1989 on a principle of housing “The affluent and morally-concerned”, its council has banned any activity that could be linked to poverty or depravity, eventually including music (“Lots of poor people make music, and lots of popular musicians set very morally lax examples,” said council member Ely Smithsonian. ”Even classical music can be a ‘gateway hobby’ to more questionable stylings, so we were forced to ban that as well.”), comedy (“Most comedians talk endlessly on subjects we’d rather not think about”) and art (“Too many naked people.”). Currently, the only permitted pastime in the town is competitive calligraphy, and the town’s team, the Pinterville Penmans, have reached the Colorado state semi-finals for 3 years running.

This pair of chairs was confiscated in 2000 from the house of Mason Goodroot and his wife Mindy, on the charge of being 'designed in a style that is potentially a source of visual discord," by the Pinterville Municipal Council, who found it to be in violation of at least 17 town ordnances. Photo by A gregglesworth.

©2009 James Mathurin

Longest-lasting twitchy eye

The longest-lasting twitchy eye was recorded in Damien Kilbanney, of Soweto, South Africa. It was first detected in an ultrasound 5 months before he was born in April 1994, and continued, even in his sleep, until he underwent a course of Electro – Convulsive Therapy (ECT) in June 2001, meaning his left eye had been twitching continually for at least 7 years and 2 months. His mother, Sally Kilbanney said, “After he came round from the ECT, the first thing he said was, “Why have you all stopped jumping?” I could have cried.” An interesting side-effect of Damien’s condition was that it rendered him completely immune to hypnotism and subliminal advertising. Since being cured, he has been conditioned sing Motorhead’s The Ace of Spades every time he hears the phrase, “Would you like coleslaw with that?” Damien has been put into care.

A close-up shot of Damien Kilbanney's eye, taken by his family physician Earnest Brande in 2002. Brande commented in his article on Kilbanney, published in the medical journal, The International Journal of Anomalous Ocular Conditions and Infections that, "If Hell looked like an eye, this is the eye that it would be." Photo by dotbenjamin.

©2009 James Mathurin

most albums at the same chart position

The musical act to have had the most albums reach the same number in the charts is the Finnish band Sumptuous Monkey, who released 48 albums between 1994 and 2003, all of which reached 49 in their national charts. The band’s Triangle player, Killi Nebulas, said in a press conference before the launch of their 49th album, Cling the Ham, “I guess 49 is our lucky number. Although we’ve set a record, we’re hoping we can make it 49 records at 49, then we may re-evaluate our future as a group. Personally, I’m glad we haven’t been charting higher, as I love my job in the cheese-packing plant.” Unfortunately the media attention surrounding Cling the Ham meant that it entered the chart at 17, causing lead singer Lenni Pixxinix to attack their drummer “Spuddy”.

Lenni Pixxinix performs at the opening of Sumptuous Monkey's 1997 Smack Your Neice tour at the Helsinki Rokodrome. Picture by Gabriele.

©2009 James Mathurin

The most lenient referee

The World’s most lenient referee is the Czech Pert Salsbid. During one league 2 netball match in 1994, he allowed one player to stab 2 opponents before showing her a yellow card. At a Czech Netball Association inquiry he said, “I wasn’t happy with her conduct, but the two players were bandaged by their physio, and I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the game, so I hoped the yellow card would make her realise she needed to cool off. Regrettably, when she stabbed one of her own players 3 times in the second half, I had no choice but to send her off.”

Pert Salsbid, pictured refereeing at the 1995 Hans Vikjars Indoor Netball Tournament. In this match, 3 players and 17 spectators received minor gunshot wounds. Photo from sports agency CrotchSplay.

©2009 James Mathurin

Shortest hard - back novel

The shortest hard-back novel ever published was Visits to the Nabobs by Gwynne Arbunathapathy, published in 1942, “a jolly account of one travelling family of cobblers’ encounters with ancient Druids, set in the Welsh valleys”, according to one review. Although the book was 354 pages long, the story only filled the last 56 pages of it, while 110 of the previous pages were filled with the author’s exhaustive list of people he wished to thank (including every member of the Lithuanian consulate in Canada, “without whom a third of this book would have been hopelessly inaccurate”), and a further 183 pages contained the list of who the book was dedicated to, a list which included every member of Arbunathapathy’s exhaustively researched family tree, going back 17 generations.

Gwynne Arbunathapathy, pictured here with her publisher Gilly 'Private' Bryden, who received some 7 pages of dedication in her book. From the collection by adobemac

©2009 James Mathurin

First telephoned death-threat

The first ever telephoned death-threat was made on April 23^rd 1902, from Ethan Bitherwick-Showes to his school-friend Parker Johns, when Bitherwick-Showes discovered that Johns had framed him for the theft of their boarding schools ceremonial rain-hat, during their third year at MacWortie’s School for Young Gentlemen. When his fiancee let the secret slip, Bitherwick-Showes immediately telephoned Johns, screaming, “I swear Sir, that I shall beat you to death with a mahogany lavatory seat!”

An unrepentant Bitherwick-Showes, pictured in 1905, attending a civil prosecution brought about due to his 'persistent and obsessive nagging and prattling' of Parker Johns. He was found guilty, and fined 3/6. Photo by Paul Stevenson.

©2009 James Mathurin

Worst artificial foodstuff

The worst artificial foodstuff ever developed was ‘NewHam’, a “cheap, delicious substitute for everyone’s favourite sandwich filling,” developed by the ICU Corporation in response to the infamous ‘Botswana Pork Shortage’ of 1956. The product was mainly derived from quilts and salt, and was said to cause, “choking, swelling of the veins, and irritation of the eyes.”

The photograph that led to the international community's banning of 'New-Ham', taken in Botswana in 1976, documented as showing the results of a plate of 'New-Ham' being allowed to dehydrate in the Sun for 16 hours. This phenomenon of 'New-Ham' separating into it's component parts of quilt, salt and preservatives was believed to be responsible for up to 56 deaths and 743 upset stomachs. Photo by FirstBaptistNashville.

©2009 James Mathurin