The most pointless conspiracy

The most pointless conspiracy ever was carried out by the people of the town of Manjchien, in Namibia. During the mayoral re-election campaign of 1998, the townsfolk, the mayor, Lloyd Mingee, and the wife of his opponent, Pambanour Seclun, conspired to have the words “vote for me if you love doodoo” tattooed onto Seclun’s forehead, after drugging him during the mayoral debates. No outsiders have been able to get an explanation as to why from the people of Manjchien.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most Annoying Man in Europe

The most annoying man in Europe is Stephan Thatcher of Middlesex, Britain. He was certified by a panel of behavioural experts and sociologists in May 1982. Professor Archie Fisting, a member of the panel, said, “It is difficult to say exactly what makes young Steven so annoying. He’s not significantly more ignorant than most members of the public; it may be a particular quality of his voice, his face, his taste in music. We’re not entirely sure, but he’s just much more annoying than any subject I have ever observed.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most argumentative novelist

The most confrontational novelist is Geoffry Thorne of Los Angeles, America. The ratio of arguments to published work, has run at around 86 to 2 between 2006 to 2008. His recorded arguments, carried out over print media, blogs, message boards and in person, range in topics from race and politics to literature, creative writing, history, whether he wrote the original screenplays for several Hollywood blockbusters (Thorne denies being in any way connected to the 2005 Michael Bay movie The Island, despite dogged internet rumours), and science. Commenting after Thorne's third fistfight of the 2007 convention season, event organiser told Wizard Magazine, "Geoff's a great writer, but we're all worried that one day he's really going to hurt someone."

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

World's worst poet

The world’s worst poet is Guistaffe Archburger, of Brussels in Belgium. He was awarded the title by a panel of judges in 1953, in recognition of his work The Belly-Dancer’s Colanders. This epic, 732-page work recounts a journey from his studio to the local street market to buy a sack of cat litter. Accepting the award, Archburger declared, “Some would be ashamed of collecting this award. I am far too pretentious to care. I would like to thank the panel, as I had not even realised that every line in the poem ended with the word ‘fortnight’ until they pointed it out.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

World's biggest piece of cheese

The world’s biggest piece of cheese was made by Hamza Akhrash, a Kazakhstani farmer between January and July 1995. Hamza told the national news programme he produced the hunk of Gouda, weighing 3.4 metric tonnes, “because my home town lacked a tourist attraction. Now I hope the council will be able to build a municipal swimming baths.”

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Most dangerous Music

The world’s most dangerous music is the “post-industrial-folk-prog-jazz-blood-rock-fusion-muzack” of Onasis Pippins and The Grotty Supply Cupboard, of Switzerland. Their music has been known to cause such severe bleeding of the eardrums that members of the crowd at their concerts have been known to drown. In 1982, one fan, Pierre Schashlik, was deafened by running his finger along the outer rim of their LP There’s a Firebomb in my Baby’s Crevice.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Biggest snot bubble

The biggest nasal mucus bubble was blown by 5-year old Zeke McCluskin of Melbourne, Australia in June 1989. His brother Samuel said, “Zeke started crying when he realised I lied about Hulk Hogan coming to our school, and at first we just wanted him to stop, because he always gets a big snot bubble and it’s gross. But then after 15 minutes the bubble was still getting bigger, so I told my cousin Bill to get a ruler and a camera. Zeke nearly stopped crying while Bill was away, so I had to poke him with a stick a few times, and the bubble actually got bigger.” The final bubble measured 28.7cm across. Although the boys insist the bubble didn’t pop for 32 minutes, the record still stands with Anil Bulpa of Bangalore, India, who sustained a bubble for 3 hours 17 minutes and 20 seconds in 1964.

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copyright © 2008 James Mathurin