Most appearances by a dead Soccer player

The football player who made the most number of appearances after dying was Greenlander Olkvijk Hamtlov, who died of an aneurysm in February 1992, aged 32. His embalmed corpse was played in goal for five matches by his club Bumblebee 1802, during which they conceded only 7 goals. The corpse was also selected for one international fixture, but was only an unused substitute. His club manager, Berf Volbenagg told the press, “Some have accused us of only picking Olkvijk so he could win this record, but his selection was purely tactical. I am glad this happened in winter, as we would not have been able to play him for as long as we did in a warmer month.”

©2008 James Mathurin

Fingers in a hippo's mouth

The world record for the highest amount of fingers stuck in the mouth of an aroused hippopotamus was set by staff at the Algerian State zoo in May, 2003. The Hippopotamus keeper, Aliah Ammash, said, “We’ve no idea how it got started, but it seemed like every other day someone managed to get their fingers stuck in Trudy’s [the hippopotamus in question] mouth. After a while we started to keep a record of it, but we were astounded when there were as many as 32 people, all with fingers stuck in there!” The zoo has since bought an animatronic hippopotamus mouth to commemorate the achievement. “It’s good, as many people simply do not realise how big a Hippo’s mouth is until they’re stuck in there,” commented Ms. Ammash.

©2008 James Mathurin

Smallest Mass Wedding

The smallest mass wedding was conducted by the Muggy Cult of Lisbon, Portugal in May 2004. The Cult leader, Luis De Stanza, had prophesied 5 years earlier that he would perform 3,000 wedding ceremonies for his followers on that day, but since he only had 7 followers, and 4 of them were men, according to the laws of his religion, he had to marry 3 of the men to the 3 women, and then perform 2,997 ceremonies between himself and the 3 women. When one of the women, Nannetta Costa, left the cult later that year, she sued De Stanza for divorce 999 times, on 1,998 counts of bigamy, bankrupting both him and the cult.
©2008 James Mathurin

Worst car-parker

The worst car-parker in the world is Belgian Japer Softop, 56. After trying to Parallel Park outside his office, in Brussels, in May 2002, he and his car were found in a ditch just outside Tours, in central France.
©2008 James Mathurin

Most naked people seen out of the corner of an eye

The most recorded naked people seen out of one person's eyes was 75 during a 58 day period in October 1996. Such a precise measurement is possible because the person in question was Australian policeman Sean Maduire, and each occurrence was recorded in his official reports as an occurrence of indecent public exposure. After two months Maduire was convinced that there was a ring of radical hippie nudist performance artists operating in Melbourne, but when he tried to create a special police task force to deal wit them, a combination of optical and psychiatric therapy demanded by his superiors revealed that no more than three of his reports related to actual events. Maduire was required to take a 2 month vacation on half pay, and then returned to active duty.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Worst Bargain

The worst bargain ever is officially recognised as being the 2002 transaction between Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, and an anonymous seller on the website ebay.com, of a third of his country’s GDP for the year, in exchange for a video boxset of the BBC situation comedy The Vicar of Dibley. When the seller took a month to post the item to him, Kim left them negative feedback on the website, threatening to bomb Somerset in retribution for the perceived insult.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin

Worst Theme Party

The worst ever theme party was thrown in 1996 by the Kwik Stop Service Station Corporation. Their Christmas party that year was a “normal day at work” party. When the staff had finished working they were taken, by coach, to another Kwik Stop Service Station, which was closed for the evening (for fumigation due to start the next day, because of an infestation of Earwigs), where they waited, in uniform, behind counters and tills, serving the management for 4 hours, with a 15 minute “themed lunch break window”, in which they could sit in the unventilated staff room, where the coffee machine was set to ‘free vend’. The vending machine in question had run out of Bovril. Although staff were told they could be fired if they did not return to their till on time, or if they left early, they were told they would not be paid. “Who would seriously expect us to pay our staff to attend their own party?” asked the regional manager, Phillip Strubb. The company was able to claim a tax rebate on the cost of the evening by claiming it as “business expenses”.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin