Worst ever hiring policy Infographic

There's a number of ways to get ahead in business, but that doesn't mean they're all good ideas.

©2015 James Mathurin

Least succesful telemarketing campaign Infographic

I've worked in telemarketing. It didn't involve dogs, which was probably a plus.

©2014 James Mathurin

The Worst Office Party Infographic

I work in education now, but I used to work in the private sector, and I've done my time in offices. Fortunately, I never had to sit through a party like this, and I thank my ex-colleagues for this.

©2014 James Mathurin

World's most excessive Instruction manual Infographic

This one originally went up not too long ago, so here's the infographic version.

©2013 James Mathurin

The world’s most excessive instruction manual

The world’s most excessive instruction manual is produced by Better Beverage Industries, of Houston, Texas. The manual accompanies their novelty Easter coffee mug, with scenes of the crucifixion around the outside, and the interior of the mug displaying a scene of Christ rising from his tomb, and has been packaged with the cup since 2006.

The manual runs for 95 pages, with detailed diagrams of the correct method of pouring in both hot and cold beverages (“It is not advisable to have a small child hold the cup above their heads while you pour boiling water into it.”), the correct way of holding the mug (“firmly, by the handle; do not raise arm higher than at a right angle to the body; do not consume while lying down; rest mug on a level surface, such as a table, when not in use.”), and the correct way of storing it (“If storing on a shelf, ensure the cup is fully on the shelf, and as little as possible is over the edge. If hanging from a hook, make sure that the hook is attached to something.”). 

The manual is multilingual, and has translations in French, German, Spanish, Italian, Klingon, Dutch, Portuguese, Afrikaans, Swedish, Zulu, Hieroglyphics, Norwegian, and (inspired by the Mel Gibson film, The Passion of the Christ) Ancient Latin.

An illustrative photograph from the manual, detailing on of 6 different examples of "cup racks, which may act as an alternative to shelves." The manual goes on to explain 7 differences between the methods of storage utilised with shelves and racks. Photograph by .Larry Page.

 ©2013 James Mathurin

The most pointless speech

The most pointless speech ever given was an address to the board of GlamSinClean inc. by one of their Regional Directors, Gerald Hompknee, in 1991. In his presentation of annual figures, he started reading from a piece of homework by his 6 year-old son Jimmy, who had put it in his father’s briefcase for him to read. Mister Hompknee later admitted, “When I started reading from Jimmy’s ‘Why I’m not scared to sit on the toilet any more’ essay, I thought I was in real trouble at first, but I managed to turn it into a metaphor for management strategies, and it was actually very well received. In fact, I’ve had Jimmy and his little sister Elaine contribute to every speech I’ve done since.”

Hompknee, appearing at a University of Exeter conference on "Serendipity and Chaos Theory in Public Speaking" in 1999, . Photograph by University of Exeter.

 ©2013 James Mathurin 

Landmine Challenge - the Boardgame

‘Landmine Challenge!’ is generally considered to the the worst toy ever - a board game based on “the skill and suspense involved in negotiating a mine field,” according to the description on the back of the box. The game comprised a 4 centimetre-thick board, decorated to resemble a minefield, and containing several small, pressure-sensitive explosive devices. A review in Board Gamer Monthly from November 1998 said, “Not only is this game tasteless, with the playing pieces being little blue, red, or green plastic Third-World children, whose limbs you must remove each time you lose a round, but the game is profoundly unsafe. To randomise the placement of the ‘landmines’, you are expected to load them into the base of the board and shake it vigorously, with often horrific consequences.” The producers of the game MS Funtime, hoped to resell the recalled games is countries with less stringent Public Health laws, but the warehouse where they were stored for shipping exploded in early 1999.

This toy shop in the South Coast UK town of Mordley was the scene of protests from residents and landmine charities soon after the release of Minefield Challenge. The shop's proprietor, Alan Mauspan, told the crowds on the third day,

"Look, I understand your outrage, and your disgust. I should have looked into the game more before I added it to the annual board-game tournament, but I'm planning to remove it, and replace it with a round of Cupcake Mayhem."

Photograph by morebyless.

 ©2013 James Mathurin

The poorest selling specialist magazine

The poorest selling specialist magazine ever was Lever-Arch Folder Fanciers Quarterly, a magazine that promised, “an in-depth and enthusiastic quarterly overview of the erotic side of office stationary.” It ran for fifteen minutes in June 1965, and only 17 copies reached the shops. The publisher, Orange Hotchkiss ltd., issued a statement saying, “We apologise to anyone offended by the magazine, please be assured it was only ever put into print due to an administrative error, and we cancelled it as soon as one of our technicians realised what was happening.” Despite this, one of the 17 copies recently sold on eBay for £72.22 to a collector in Mozambique.

S. Rothstein newsagents, one of the few shops which received a copy of Lever-Arch Folder Fanciers Quarterly. The proprietor has always refused to speak of the magazine, and when her son, Oscar, took over the business in 1979, he suggested that Orange Hotchkiss ltd. had forced his mother to sign some form of gagging agreement, possibly in return for paying for his university fees. Photograph by sludgegulper.

©2012 James Mathurin

Least succesful telemarketing campaign

The least succesful telemarketing campaign was run by the charity Bathrooms for Bitches, a charity supporting dogs abandoned due to incontinence. After 17 unsuccessful mail and telephone campaigns, in 2003 they brought on the 'Performing Arts-based fundraising team' of Miller and Barnes.

Speaking later in Marketing Bugle in July 2006, Matthew Miller of Miller and Barnes said,

"Our scheme involved the callers telephoning potential supporters, and howling down the phone at them, like an incontinent bitch. We spent weeks perfecting the pitch and timbre of incontinent bitches of various breeds, and the campaign raised 213 complaints, 19 criminal charges and 44 civil cases."

Staff at Miller & Barnes, pictured during the Bathrooms For Bitches campaign. Staff had to be trained specially to ensure that their howling did not exceed 100decibels. Jermaine Beckwithe, one of their callers, remembered, "Some days you would get home and all you could hear was the howling and whining." Picture provided by HowardLake.

©2010 James Mathurin

Worst ever theme party

The worst ever theme party was thrown in 1996 by the Kwik Stop Service Station Corporation. Their Christmas party that year was a “normal day at work” party. When the staff had finished working they were taken, by coach, to another Kwik Stop Service Station, which was closed for the evening (for fumigation due to start the next day, because of an infestation of Earwigs), where they waited, in uniform, behind counters and tills, serving the management for 4 hours, with a 15 minute “themed lunch break window”, in which they could sit in the unventilated staff room, where the coffee machine was set to ‘free vend’. The vending machine in question had run out of Bovril. Although staff were told they could be fired if they did not return to their till on time, or if they left early, they were told they would not be paid. “Who would seriously expect us to pay our staff to attend their own party?” asked the regional manager, Phillip Strubb. The company was able to claim a tax rebate on the cost of the evening by claiming it as “business expenses”.

The 'Chill-out room' at the Kwik Stop theme party. Photo by moriza.

©2009 James Mathurin

Worst ever hiring policy

The worst ever hiring policy of a business was adjudged by the DeToille business school to be that of International Patio Heaters inc. who, during the summer of 1996, only employed people if they had “business-oriented surnames.” They abandoned the policy after one of their deliverymen changed his name from Paul Goodsock to William Outsidethebox and was immediately promoted to Director of Human Resources, whereupon he doubled the salaries of the other deliverymen.

Outsidethebox, née Goodsock, leaving work for the last time, after being sacked for misappropiation of resources. An anonymous source suggested that he had actually been fired for "taking the piss." Photo by Ihuiz.

©2009 James Mathurin

Worst job promotion

The worst ever job promotion was when Alistair Jones, a worker at Melbourne Zoo, was made Vice-Executive Olfactory Presentation Technician in 1996. His duties consisted mainly of disposing of dung from the zoo’s ‘Waste Intensive Mammals’, chiefly Elephants and Rhinoceroses, and cleaning their pens. Although these duties were identical to those of his previous position (‘Dunny Scraper’), the management of the zoo awarded Jones the promotion, at an identical wage, but with a 3 minute longer lunch break, after he “improved the efficiency of the zoo’s wastage recycling/disposal techniques.” Jones explained, “Well, there’s only so much crud you can shovel into the Polar Bear enclosure before folks start asking if they’re looking at Grizzlies, so I realised ‘hey, the chimps love to chuck their own around so much, why not line their cages with it?’”

Alistair Jones at work with one of the 'Waste Intensive Mammals' (photo by Muzina Shanghai)

©2008 James Mathurin,

Worst Bargain

The worst bargain ever is officially recognised as being the 2002 transaction between Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, and an anonymous seller on the website ebay.com, of a third of his country’s GDP for the year, in exchange for a video boxset of the BBC situation comedy The Vicar of Dibley. When the seller took a month to post the item to him, Kim left them negative feedback on the website, threatening to bomb Somerset in retribution for the perceived insult.

copyright © 2008 James Mathurin