Worst ever plot device

The worst ever plot device was in the Antiguan Television Soap Opera Saint Francis Of Assisi Hospital. On an episode broadcast on Tuesday 17th January 1995, the character Dr. Joyce Fenetre was put into a coma when she was hit on the head by a wheelbarrow, which had fallen from an overhead hot-air balloon, piloted by her amnesiac twin’s cloned illegitimate daughter Nicole Shanchioux, who was trying to escape the country as she had been targeted by the leader of the town’s Chamber of Commerce, Percy Fillibacher, who was secretly a worshipper of an ancient Mayan sacrificial cult.

A last-minute plot rewrite made the hot-air balloon became necessary, as the town’s port had been closed due an infestation of rabid cockroaches (instigated by the villainous Fillibacher), and the airport had been closed when it turned out that it had been left to the unborn son of the town’s heroic fire chief-turned-baker, Peter Brankillie, by the last surviving member of a secret tribe of Caribs who owned the land it was built on, and who had lived on the island, but had been nearly wiped out by the villainous upholstery magnate Françoise McCady, so that he could build a Cushion factory on the land they lived on, until Peter exposed his plot, at the cost of his job, as he had been falsely implicated in the scheme by McCady’s fitness instructor, Teri Bastille, who was also the surrogate mother of his child. Without a way to get Nicole off the island, the writers arranged for millionaire and one-time American presidential candidate Ross Perot to make a cameo appearance on the show, so that he could pilot the hot-air balloon onto the beach, on the premise that he was travelling by balloon to his holiday home on the Falklands Islands.

On the show, Perot set the balloon down on the grounds of the Kentucky Hotel Antigua as he had run out of ballast in a freak Seagull-related incident. As his new supply of sand was brought to the balloon in a wheelbarrow carried by the Hotel’s one-eared handyman, Micah Memmette, Nicole ran past him and hijacked the balloon as her only means of escape.

While this was happening, a screw in the hotel’s boiler room, which had been knocked loose several months previously in a fight between Peter and the hotel’s concierge, Patty Cheveux, came loose, causing an underground gas-pipe explosion, which catapulted the wheelbarrow into the hot-air balloon just after Nicole had set off. Once Nicole had got the sand out of the wheelbarrow, she pushed it over the side, not realising that it was destined to fall on her amnesiac biological mother’s twin sister.

The Antiguan Radio Times reviewed the episode, saying, “We know the creators have wanted Joyce in a coma for months now, but this method was ridiculous. Mister Perot’s cameo was a welcome surprise, but Micah’s actions were completely out of character for a former Green Beret, and telling the whole story in a dream-scene flashback is an insult to anyone who has been watching the show for more than 5 weeks.” The reviewer gave the episode 2 stars out of a possible 5.

Ross Perot's hot air balloon makes it grand entrance on Saint Francis Of Assisi Hospital. Because of the producers of the show failing to properly notify the authorities, this resulted in the Antiguan Air Force being scrambled, and a state of war existing between the United States of America and Antigua for 23 minutes. Picture by ericlbc.

©2009 James Mathurin

Highest number of accents in a minute

The highest number of accents used in a minute was 58, and was achieved by Adrian Wilnjes of Eindhoven, Holland. Wilnjes, who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder, went through 58 distinct accents when he called into Holland’s leading radio talent show (whose title roughly translates as Show Us Your Mill-Master’s T-Bone Steak!), on 31^st July 2004. He later told his therapist, “Although I have over 60 personalities inside me, only 2 of them were involved in the telephone call. You see, they’re both amateur impressionists, and were competing against each other.” Wilnjes said that setting a new record was a consolation, as, “Neither of them are very funny.”

Ruud Ditvenhooy, host of Show Us Your Mill-Master’s T-Bone Steak! remembers Wilnjes as, "One of the most electrifying acts it has ever been my privelege to witness with my own ears. He could have gone all the way if not for the... unpleasantness that happened." Details of the 'unpleasantness' have been sealed by Dutch courts until 2015. Photo by YuvalH.

©2009 James Mathurin

Worst ever theme party

The worst ever theme party was thrown in 1996 by the Kwik Stop Service Station Corporation. Their Christmas party that year was a “normal day at work” party. When the staff had finished working they were taken, by coach, to another Kwik Stop Service Station, which was closed for the evening (for fumigation due to start the next day, because of an infestation of Earwigs), where they waited, in uniform, behind counters and tills, serving the management for 4 hours, with a 15 minute “themed lunch break window”, in which they could sit in the unventilated staff room, where the coffee machine was set to ‘free vend’. The vending machine in question had run out of Bovril. Although staff were told they could be fired if they did not return to their till on time, or if they left early, they were told they would not be paid. “Who would seriously expect us to pay our staff to attend their own party?” asked the regional manager, Phillip Strubb. The company was able to claim a tax rebate on the cost of the evening by claiming it as “business expenses”.

The 'Chill-out room' at the Kwik Stop theme party. Photo by moriza.

©2009 James Mathurin

Smallest office chair

The world’s smallest office chair was constructed by Gerte Hagemund, of Dortmund, Germany in 1977. It had a height of 4.8 centimetres, and Hagemund claims that it is the only remaining part of a complete ‘ergonomically designed’ office equipment set. “I made it for the fairies that I watch at the bottom of the garden,” she explained in an interview. “I have watched them since I was a little child, but as I grew older I noticed how bad their posture was. I don’t know if they ever actually do any office work, or whether they cavort all day long, but I felt I should do what I could to help.” Asked where the rest of the furniture was, she answered, “Well, they took it didn’t they? That’s the only thing that makes sense. I hope it has helped, as they completely ignored the little pamphlets I designed for them.”

Gerte [centre], pictured in 1982, with her mother and agent, and 3 items of office furniture (pictured on the table, but not visible due to the low resolution of the image, they include a chair, lamp and filing cabinet). Picture from the archive administered by anslatadams.

©2009 James Mathurin

The longest legal debate

The single longest legal debate took place in the Portugese Assembleia da República, when Luis Rotundo finally conceded defeat in his campaign to have 15 of the streets of Lisbon named after different animal kingdoms. "It all started with my vision to have an 'Alameda platyhelminthes'," Rotundo told journalists after the debate eventually ended, "And it saddens me that now the majesty of the natural world will not be commemorated in the form of Rua Vetulicolia, Estrada Brachiopoda, Caminho Ctenophora or Rua Nematomorpha." After the debate had lasted from 12th June 2002 until 24th September 2005, Rotundo vowed to plow his political efforts into the field of education and healthcare. He has since left politics to become a Carmelite monk.

The Lisbon street that would have become Estrda Xenoturbellida under the proposed 'Plano Rotundo', pictured by Allie_Caulfield.

©2009 James Mathurin

Most annoying ringtone

The most annoying Mobile telephone ringtone ever was developed by Sigmund Elfin, Of Stavangar, Norway. On a family trip home, he went into his childhood bedroom. “Growing up, I would often be woken by the sounds of pigs being slaughtered in the abattoir, which is just across the street from my bedroom window,” he explained later, “And I realised it was a part of my childhood I really missed. I was filming with my camcorder at the time, and I was recording while a pig was being slaughtered. I was able to extract the sounds when I got home, and engineered them into an MP3 ringtone. When I tried it for the first time, I blacked out, and when I came around I had smashed my phone. I played the ringtone to other people, with a similar effect. When people hear my phone ring, they have an irresistible urge to destroy it, and me.”

Sigmund Elfin, pictured here in the last known image of him, taken by himself, with a mobile phone with his ringtone programmed into it, on the 14th June 2005. All that was found was the destroyed phone, and a trail of Elfin's clothes, leading from a smashed window to the woods by his home. The photo is reproduced by permission of copyright owners kencf0618.

©2009 James Mathurin

Most species in a conga-line

The record for the most species in a single conga-line stands at 23, set by animals from the Kyoto zoo in Japan. At various points, it consisted of Wolves, Foxes, Dingoes, Hyenas, Cougars, Leopards, Pumas, Hippopotamuses, Elephants, Rhinoceroses, Iguanas, Alligators, Geckoes, Emus, Ostriches, Grizzly and Polar Bears, Penguins, Flamingos, Rabbits, Orang-utans, Gorillas, Chimpanzees, and Howler Monkeys (although not in that order). Shuya Inada, the zookeeper who organised the event in June 1997, said, “We had to make money to prevent the zoo from being converted into an elecrtical fan factory, so I tried to think of something that could show off the animals and get people’s interest. It was easier to manage than you might think, you can keep all the plant-eating animals together, and some of the carnivores can just be muzzled. We tried to sandwich the unmanageable animals between big animals like the elephants and hippos, where they couldn’t do any damage, and then we just had to make sure no one got trampled.” Asked about the success of the conga-line, Inada said, “We can keep the zoo open now, we just have to open a MacDonald’s on-site somewhere, release some snakes into the wild, and put a bowling alley under the Penguin Enclosure.”

Two Ash-Haired Sable Monkeys are put throught their paces in preparation for the conga. Inada commented, "Although they did not make it through to the final performance, these two were the ones it all really began with. It was a tragedy the way that Coyote got loose." Photo by animal photography agency pelican.

©2009 James Mathurin

Most boring town on the planet

The most boring town on the planet is Pinterville, a “planned community” in Colorado, USA. Founded in 1989 on a principle of housing “The affluent and morally-concerned”, its council has banned any activity that could be linked to poverty or depravity, eventually including music (“Lots of poor people make music, and lots of popular musicians set very morally lax examples,” said council member Ely Smithsonian. ”Even classical music can be a ‘gateway hobby’ to more questionable stylings, so we were forced to ban that as well.”), comedy (“Most comedians talk endlessly on subjects we’d rather not think about”) and art (“Too many naked people.”). Currently, the only permitted pastime in the town is competitive calligraphy, and the town’s team, the Pinterville Penmans, have reached the Colorado state semi-finals for 3 years running.

This pair of chairs was confiscated in 2000 from the house of Mason Goodroot and his wife Mindy, on the charge of being 'designed in a style that is potentially a source of visual discord," by the Pinterville Municipal Council, who found it to be in violation of at least 17 town ordnances. Photo by A gregglesworth.

©2009 James Mathurin

Longest-lasting twitchy eye

The longest-lasting twitchy eye was recorded in Damien Kilbanney, of Soweto, South Africa. It was first detected in an ultrasound 5 months before he was born in April 1994, and continued, even in his sleep, until he underwent a course of Electro – Convulsive Therapy (ECT) in June 2001, meaning his left eye had been twitching continually for at least 7 years and 2 months. His mother, Sally Kilbanney said, “After he came round from the ECT, the first thing he said was, “Why have you all stopped jumping?” I could have cried.” An interesting side-effect of Damien’s condition was that it rendered him completely immune to hypnotism and subliminal advertising. Since being cured, he has been conditioned sing Motorhead’s The Ace of Spades every time he hears the phrase, “Would you like coleslaw with that?” Damien has been put into care.

A close-up shot of Damien Kilbanney's eye, taken by his family physician Earnest Brande in 2002. Brande commented in his article on Kilbanney, published in the medical journal, The International Journal of Anomalous Ocular Conditions and Infections that, "If Hell looked like an eye, this is the eye that it would be." Photo by dotbenjamin.

©2009 James Mathurin

most albums at the same chart position

The musical act to have had the most albums reach the same number in the charts is the Finnish band Sumptuous Monkey, who released 48 albums between 1994 and 2003, all of which reached 49 in their national charts. The band’s Triangle player, Killi Nebulas, said in a press conference before the launch of their 49th album, Cling the Ham, “I guess 49 is our lucky number. Although we’ve set a record, we’re hoping we can make it 49 records at 49, then we may re-evaluate our future as a group. Personally, I’m glad we haven’t been charting higher, as I love my job in the cheese-packing plant.” Unfortunately the media attention surrounding Cling the Ham meant that it entered the chart at 17, causing lead singer Lenni Pixxinix to attack their drummer “Spuddy”.

Lenni Pixxinix performs at the opening of Sumptuous Monkey's 1997 Smack Your Neice tour at the Helsinki Rokodrome. Picture by Gabriele.

©2009 James Mathurin

The most lenient referee

The World’s most lenient referee is the Czech Pert Salsbid. During one league 2 netball match in 1994, he allowed one player to stab 2 opponents before showing her a yellow card. At a Czech Netball Association inquiry he said, “I wasn’t happy with her conduct, but the two players were bandaged by their physio, and I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the game, so I hoped the yellow card would make her realise she needed to cool off. Regrettably, when she stabbed one of her own players 3 times in the second half, I had no choice but to send her off.”

Pert Salsbid, pictured refereeing at the 1995 Hans Vikjars Indoor Netball Tournament. In this match, 3 players and 17 spectators received minor gunshot wounds. Photo from sports agency CrotchSplay.

©2009 James Mathurin

Shortest hard - back novel

The shortest hard-back novel ever published was Visits to the Nabobs by Gwynne Arbunathapathy, published in 1942, “a jolly account of one travelling family of cobblers’ encounters with ancient Druids, set in the Welsh valleys”, according to one review. Although the book was 354 pages long, the story only filled the last 56 pages of it, while 110 of the previous pages were filled with the author’s exhaustive list of people he wished to thank (including every member of the Lithuanian consulate in Canada, “without whom a third of this book would have been hopelessly inaccurate”), and a further 183 pages contained the list of who the book was dedicated to, a list which included every member of Arbunathapathy’s exhaustively researched family tree, going back 17 generations.

Gwynne Arbunathapathy, pictured here with her publisher Gilly 'Private' Bryden, who received some 7 pages of dedication in her book. From the collection by adobemac

©2009 James Mathurin

First telephoned death-threat

The first ever telephoned death-threat was made on April 23^rd 1902, from Ethan Bitherwick-Showes to his school-friend Parker Johns, when Bitherwick-Showes discovered that Johns had framed him for the theft of their boarding schools ceremonial rain-hat, during their third year at MacWortie’s School for Young Gentlemen. When his fiancee let the secret slip, Bitherwick-Showes immediately telephoned Johns, screaming, “I swear Sir, that I shall beat you to death with a mahogany lavatory seat!”

An unrepentant Bitherwick-Showes, pictured in 1905, attending a civil prosecution brought about due to his 'persistent and obsessive nagging and prattling' of Parker Johns. He was found guilty, and fined 3/6. Photo by Paul Stevenson.

©2009 James Mathurin

Worst artificial foodstuff

The worst artificial foodstuff ever developed was ‘NewHam’, a “cheap, delicious substitute for everyone’s favourite sandwich filling,” developed by the ICU Corporation in response to the infamous ‘Botswana Pork Shortage’ of 1956. The product was mainly derived from quilts and salt, and was said to cause, “choking, swelling of the veins, and irritation of the eyes.”

The photograph that led to the international community's banning of 'New-Ham', taken in Botswana in 1976, documented as showing the results of a plate of 'New-Ham' being allowed to dehydrate in the Sun for 16 hours. This phenomenon of 'New-Ham' separating into it's component parts of quilt, salt and preservatives was believed to be responsible for up to 56 deaths and 743 upset stomachs. Photo by FirstBaptistNashville.

©2009 James Mathurin