The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 4

Dutruv's plans for the Mechanical moustache never got much further than a prototype which he tested on one subject. His original designs showed that he had envisioned it as "a device allowing the modern man-on-the-go to discreetly have at his disposal several useful devices, such as a toothbrush, cigarette lighter, collar-affixer and neck-massager, all operated by animatronic appendages concealed by a manly moustache, which could be groomed to a handlebar design, or any other style, as whimsical fashions will inevitably dictate."

This image of the mechanical moustache was captured in a photograph which has since been donated by the Dutruv estate to the Art Institute of Portland. The subject, Dutruv's sometime laboratory assistant Tomasz Kolvski, described the sensation of the automated features as, "Initially foreboding, but afterwards, quite comfortable." The prototype was abandoned after Kolvski was injured by the cigarette-lighter feature, although unsubstantiated rumours persisted for some time that the Dutch military had purchased the rights to develop a weaponised version of the automated moustache from Dutruv.

©2010 James Mathurin

The shortest acceptance speech

The shortest ever acceptance speech in a mayoral election lasted 1.74 seconds, and was delivered in 1967 by Arnosue Gharfinsal, when he was elected in the town of Bandaicooler, on the island of Tasmania. Standing outside the town hall, he announced, “I’m a man of few words,” before going inside for a nap.

Arnosue Gharfinsal, pictured before making what was actually a shorter speech, at just 3.8 seconds, to the Tasmanian Chamber of Commerce in 1984. Unfortunately, there has been controversy over the length of the speech, due to the 3 minute ovation he received between the second and third words of the speech ("Salt," and "Tourism"). Photo provided by euthman.

©2010 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 3

Dimitri Dutruv developed the electric wig over the winter of 2003-4. In his design notes he said that the concept came to him while he was camping with his uncles in the Black Forest, 

"We found ourselves uncommonly annoyed by swarms of mites, midges and associated insects. I was reminded of the 'Insect-o-cutor' I had seen in a local butchers earlier that day. I was trying to imagine a suitable method of making such a device portable, when i could not help but to have my attention drawn to Uncle Berni's awful hairpiece. If a man was willing to wear such a thing for reasons of pure vanity, why not then one which could protect him from 6-legged annoyance?"

Dutruv developed an wig, filled with filaments of conductive wire, insulated against the scalp by a shower cap lining the interior, and a power source worn on a belt around a waist. The device could be activated by a switch on the belt buckle, which sent a charge through the wig, electrifying any insects which came into contact with it.

Dutruv's Uncle Yuri models the electric wig at his family home in 2004. There appears to have been a falling out between them after this photograph was taken, and it may have been caused by a house fire which was likely caused by the wig. Photograph provided by CarbonNYC.

©2010 James Mathurin

Worst ever recorded orchestral recital

The worst ever recorded Orchestral recital was of Der Fleidermaus, and was performed by the Lisbon Philharmonic on August 19th 1967, at the Lisbon City Hall. Due to a problem with the hall’s central heating, the concert only went ahead because of the crippling financial problems faced by the orchestra’s owner, Plankton magnate Guiseppe Bounhi, who was hoping to sell the recordings through the LPO’s official newsletter. The heat caused all of the string instruments to fall out of tune, along with several of the woodwind instruments, whose lacquer softened. Also, as the concert continued, 13 members of the orchestra eventually passed out, until the concert was ended prematurely when a timpani player fainted and fell into a tuba. The conductor, Fredo Ballon, was quoted afterwards as saying, “I don’t think it could have been worse if you had asked Miles Davis to play in a sauna.”

Fredo Ballon, pictured here in 1972, when the Lisbon Philharmonic attempted to perform Der Fleidermaus again. Problems occurred again, this time because a bassoonist had accidentally allowed his pet ferret to escape during a rehearsal, and it had nested and given birth to young inside a cello. Ballon recalled in his autobiography Musings on Tempo, that, "The cacophony when the second strings came in was mind-boggling, but after the 1967 debacle, I was determined to see it through. By the time we reached the final act, the vibrations from the cello had either rendered the animals unconscious or killed the. I never checked. That is not my job." Photo provided by Crazyflyinmidget.

©2010 James Mathurin

Fastest growing nasal hair

The fastest growing human nasal hair belonged to Venezuelan Paco Nibrez. His hair grew at a rate of 1cm every 17hours, for a period of 5 weeks in 1974. Nibrez could find no medical explanation for his condition, and eventually came to blame it upon a curse, which he believed had been placed on him by a witchdoctor for running over a farmer’s prize goat.

Paco Nibrez, pictured after the nose hair had been trimmed, and had returned to a normal rate of growth. Nibrez commented, "They cannot tell me why it happened, or why it has stopped. I do not need their answers. I know why it was, and if I could bring that goat back, I would. I am just grateful that my prayers have been answered, and that my nostrils are no longer home to evil." Photo provided by ruurmo.

©2010 James Mathurin

The shortest ever guitar solo

The world’s shortest guitar solo is the Third track of Guitarist Dale Alpine’s 1974 Prog-Rock album Look at the Mess You’ve Made on the Carpet. The track, Ta-Da!, lasts 3 seconds, and consists of one note, played twice. Alpine’s fans had assumed that Ta-Da! was simply him tuning up when he performed it live on his Emaciated Puppet tour the previous year.

Dale Alpine, pictured at a 2009 gig, where he performed 17 encores of Ta-Da! This added 19 minutes to the show, 14 of which were taken up by standing ovations. Picture by Jeff Hardcastle.

©2010 James Mathurin

The greatest number of assault charges relating to literary criticism

The 35 members of the 'literary criticism group' Punching Dishonest Writers (PDW) were banned from meeting, 8 months after they were first established, and once 27 authors had been physically assaulted at their home addresses by the group. The group's leader Tennison Pentwick explained at a court hearing,

"The way we see it, you wouldn't lie to someone's face, 'cause if you lied to me and  I found out, obviously I'd smash your face in. Problem is, when you're writing a book, you don't expect someone to punch you, 'cause it's all just words, so you can put as many lies in as you want. So what, we do, we read books each, work out if they look like they're lying, and we find out where they live, go round and punch them."

 Tennison Pentwick attempts to leave court during his trial, having tripped up his barrister, stolen his wig, and run out of the courtroom. He was soon apprehended, and a charge of contempt was added to those he was already facing. Photo taken by Steve Punter

 Pentwick accepted that the bulk of the assaults were the result of a 'balls up' in the group's initial approach, and they had then come to realise that they should only apply their 'criticism' to authors whose writing were non-fiction.

 ©2010 James Mathurin