The world’s oldest chad

The world’s oldest chad is over 7, 000 years old. It was found by archaeologist Shrivnee Bambaclart, on a dig near the site of the Sphinx in Egypt in 2001. “I can categorically state that this is a chad, and not a simple disc of paper,” said Bambaclart, announcing her discovery, “Electron Microscope analysis of its edges reveals that it was punched and not cut from a larger sheet of papyrus. What is truly fascinating, though, is that it predates the use of papyrus in Egypt, and certainly predates the use of even the most primitive of hole-punchers. I truly believe that this may represent a link to the truth behind the legend of Atlantis.”

The chad is analysed under electron microscopes at laboratories in Cyprus in 2002. Bambaclart's team, afte confirming the age of the chad, are planning to return to the dig site to confirm rumours of similarly-aged staples. Photograph by Robert Scoble.

©2013 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 8

Dutruv was called in, in 1999, to consult on suggestions for treatment for a phenomenon which was viewed, at the time, as some kind of mass hysteria. Several people... believed that they were fairytale characters. One subject believed he was the Gingerbread Man, and therefore refused to go into water, until he was allowed to bathe in liquid icing sugar.

It was first identified by doctors when a patient 'h' was admitted to hospital after having lost several of his teeth after biting into the brick wall of a house, which he believed was made of gingerbread.

Dutruv attempted to treat the patients by waiting for a patient to enter REM sleep, and then playing them a recording of the fairytale they had fixated on through speakers. He theorised that hearing "The End" would allow their subconscious mind to break out of the story.

The results were 1 revival, 1 revival then relapse, 2 comas, and one person suffered a psychotic break and killed a lumberjack.

Most of Dutruv's records were redacted under an anonymity agreement with the hospital, but this image of a patient listed as "BBW" was found in his records, labelled as being taken at 2:15am during REM therapy session 3 on 15th AUgust 1999. Photograph by thart2009.

©2012 James Mathurin

The worst fancy dress costume

The worst fancy dress costume ever was worn by “Beard-Trimmer to The Stars” Barrington Menger, to a party thrown by Elton John in 1996. Menger turned up in slippers, corduroy trousers, a cotton shirt and a woollen pullover. He was asked to leave early due to an unusual odour that seemed to emanate from a green stain on his trousers. When asked what his costume was meant to be, he replied, “My uncle Mortimer. He was quite a character!”

Menger's pullover has gained cult status among some in fashion circles, and has been adopted as a template for 'ironic drabwear' by some designers. by matalafria knitwear barcelona.

©2013 James Mathurin

The earliest public transport network

The earliest public transport network was a system of catapults unearthed in the ruins of the ancient Aztec city of Zingalamaduni, dated to around the 13th Century AD. With 17 temples and 3 palaces, it is believed that the catapults were devised to allow priests to perform several religious rites at different sites in quick succession, particularly at times of lunar or solar eclipse, when both sacrifices, marriages, baptisms and magistrates’ hearings would all be conducted within a very short time frame. It is believed that the system was abandoned after one disastrous eclipse, where a catapulting mix-up led to a groom being sacrificed, his bride-to-be being married to a new-born prince, a goat being baptised and the high priest being catapulted straight into the wall of a temple, killing him instantly.

This photograph shows a team of archaeologists excavating the Zingalamaduni site in 2003. The site was hailed by the dig's leader, Professor Bryan Philpot, as a "truly exciting find, especially when I was accidentally thrown 20 metres by a remarkably well-preserved catapult!" Photograph by Odense Bys Museer.

©2013 James Mathurin

The most sensationalist headline

The most sensationalist headline was “MACHETE FRENCHMAN TAKES QUEEN’S EAR!” It was published in the Tadworth Cavalier newspaper on 11^th July 1987, when a photographer for the paper took a photograph of a French exchange student cutting corn with a knife in a field owned by the Royal family.

Dominic Garsteau, the French student who was implicated in the piece, posing for a photograph that accompanied an interview in the Tadworth Bulletin, a local rival to the Tadworth Cavalier, where he said he had been unaware of his notoriety until he returned home to Toulouse, and found out several of his relatives had been organising support for a petition to the British Embassy, in case he was imprisoned as a result of a "British tabloid campaign of fear". Photograph by Capt' Gorgeous.

©2013 James Mathurin

The worst ever game-show host

The worst ever game-show host was Mickie the Chinchilla. Given the presenting gig on the New Zealand show Dung or Dosh in 2004 on the strength of winning pet talent show And He Can Lick Himself Too…., Mickie was shocked by the loud applause of the crowd, and spent the show urinating frequently in a panic, biting 3 contestants and eventually dying of a heart-attack when an on-stage pyrotechnic went off by mistake.

A publicity photograph of Mickie, which his agent Sam Mackie circulated to the press for use in obituaries. In a statement, he said,

"Mickie had a tiny body, a smooth coat, and one of the biggest bloody hearts ever. He had a great future in front of him."

 Photograph by Greencolander.

©2012 James Mathurin

The poorest selling specialist magazine

The poorest selling specialist magazine ever was Lever-Arch Folder Fanciers Quarterly, a magazine that promised, “an in-depth and enthusiastic quarterly overview of the erotic side of office stationary.” It ran for fifteen minutes in June 1965, and only 17 copies reached the shops. The publisher, Orange Hotchkiss ltd., issued a statement saying, “We apologise to anyone offended by the magazine, please be assured it was only ever put into print due to an administrative error, and we cancelled it as soon as one of our technicians realised what was happening.” Despite this, one of the 17 copies recently sold on eBay for £72.22 to a collector in Mozambique.

S. Rothstein newsagents, one of the few shops which received a copy of Lever-Arch Folder Fanciers Quarterly. The proprietor has always refused to speak of the magazine, and when her son, Oscar, took over the business in 1979, he suggested that Orange Hotchkiss ltd. had forced his mother to sign some form of gagging agreement, possibly in return for paying for his university fees. Photograph by sludgegulper.

©2012 James Mathurin