Livestock fondue

Freddie Salzburg's Animal Fondue Rotisserie has been in business in Mankato, Minnesota in the USA since November 2008. The restaurant features whole pigs and lambs slaughtered on the premises, and cooked by being lowered by a crane mechanism into boiling vats of molten cheese.

The entrance to the Animal Fondue Rotisserie. "We hadn't meant to have such a grand entrance," said proprietor, Freddie Salzburg. "The original plan was for a feature here that customers could take advantage of a feature we were going to build in here, that involved a large air cannon, a razor-edged grating, with a heated angled cheese tub. We had to adapt our plans while we let the applications go through." Photograph taken for the avlxyz review service.

©2010 James Mathurin

Mass suicide at Museum station

This photo is the earliest image of a mass suicide, taken on October 17th 1924 at Museum Station in Sydney, Australia. It began when some 16 men climbed onto the tracks, while another, (Frank Hardbunt, 24) photographed them before jumping down onto the tracks himself, leaving his camera apparatus on the platform.

As the picture shows, the station was still under contruction at the time, and this was, in fact, merely a test run for the electrical system, leading many to suspect some kind of 'suicide cult', as only 3 of the men, Terry Bosforth, Henry Turner and Samuel Gishop, had any business being at the station on this particular day.

This copy of the photograph is actually on display at Museum Station. In 1998, when asked why such a tragic image should be left on display, the station manager, Duncan Hawkins, replied, "Well, we just thought it was better than another advert for toothpaste."

©2010 James Mathurin

The most sarcastic piece of correspondence

The most sarcastic piece of correspondence was the infamous Go ahead and invade then, you green-tongued coward parchment, written by King Osingwald III of the Ostrogoths to Emperor Maxwell V of The Bulgars in 543AD. Although the two were childhood friends, Osingwald sent a messenger to Maxwell, whose message consisted of 15 pages of insults, after which the messenger, as instructed, dropped his britches and mooned the Emperor, who promptly invaded Luxembourg. Folklore has it that, just before being bludgeoned to death with his messenger’s severed rear-end, Osingwald wailed, “I didn’t think he’d take it that way!”

This frieze was produced by the court of King Osingwald to commemorate his insult of Emperor Maxwell. Academics have speculated that the figures around the face represent specific insults from the parchment, such as the one pictured on the left here, which seems to show Maxwell in an improper embrace with a dog or wolf. None of the figures, however, shed any light for the motivation for the insults. Photograph from the Cåsver collection.

©2010 James Mathurin

The most mobile nation

The most mobile nation in the world is the Island state of Karmisticia, which was originally found in the Indian Ocean. Uninhabited until the early Twentieth Century, due to its isolation from any populated areas, it was supported by a thin column of igneous rock reaching up from the Sea-bed. This was destroyed due to disturbances from the eruption of Krakatoa, but the island stayed afloat, due to the unique buoyancy of its natural rock. It became a nation in 1905, when a shipwrecked crew of Indian fishermen washed up on its shores, having believed themselves to be doomed, as there were no reported islands anywhere near where their ship had sunk. Although the men returned to India for supplies and their families, they were determined to make the Island their home, and named it Karmisticia. Karmisticia has continued to drift, and has most recently been sighted passing Norway.

Two citizens of Karmisticia re-enact the discovery of the island, a ritual repeated on March 14th every year. As the population of the island rarely exceeds 30, and constantly changes as the island passes by other countries or picks up international criminals looking for a place to lie low (which Karmisticia offers, due to its lack of extradition treaties with the rest of the world, itself a result of the fact that Karmisticia is rarely close enough to any country long enough to establish full diplomatic relations), anyone residing on the island for longer than 3 weeks has to agree to take part in at least one commemoration.Photographed by travel agency chifa217.

©2010 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 5

After hearing of a school that faced difficulty in its fire and bomb evacuation plans, due to severely limited space on the school grounds, Dutruv developed a system to offer protection from explosions or intense heat to crowds gathered a short distance from the source of such threats. This involved underground blast shields being situated in a protective ring around the site in question. The blast shields would be reinforced concrete, 75cm thick, 6m wide and 4m high, which could be raised to their full height within 0.45 seconds by a powerful system of hydraulics, which could be activated by a remote control when all persons were outside the protective ring. One prototype was actually installed in an Australian High School, but was removed after a trial evacuation when a Year 10 pupil was accidentally catapulted 15m into the air by a premature firing of the blast shield mechanism.

Several of the blast shield being removed after the Year 10 student, who can only be identified as "Jayden" after a court ruling which also prevents the school from being identified, recovered from his injuries. He was saved from certain death by landing in the school's outdoor swimming pool. Photograph provided by uair01.

©2010 James Mathurin

The least-noticed middle name

The world’s least-noticeable middle name is “ “. It is the middle name of Harold   Bashouka, born in 1967. Bashouka’s parents, Gibbe and Henkara, both of whom are judges in their native Poland, actually stipulated that on any official form, there must be an extra space between his forename and surname, or his initials can be represented as “H.   . Bashouka.” Speaking at Harold’s inauguration as President of the local Flint Collector’s club, Gibbe Bashouka explained, “We hoped that, by putting a little void into his name, we could encourage our son to stop and meditate every time he thinks about himself.”

This photograph of of Harold (l) and Gibbe (r) Bashouka is on display at the Warsaw Flint Collector's Association. The frame is inscribed "In commemoration of our third-greatest President, H. . Bashouka, and the parent whose name-based motivation pushed him to the heights which he achieved.". The photo is now property of U-g-g-B-o-y-(-Photograph-World-Sense-).

©2010 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 4

Dutruv's plans for the Mechanical moustache never got much further than a prototype which he tested on one subject. His original designs showed that he had envisioned it as "a device allowing the modern man-on-the-go to discreetly have at his disposal several useful devices, such as a toothbrush, cigarette lighter, collar-affixer and neck-massager, all operated by animatronic appendages concealed by a manly moustache, which could be groomed to a handlebar design, or any other style, as whimsical fashions will inevitably dictate."

This image of the mechanical moustache was captured in a photograph which has since been donated by the Dutruv estate to the Art Institute of Portland. The subject, Dutruv's sometime laboratory assistant Tomasz Kolvski, described the sensation of the automated features as, "Initially foreboding, but afterwards, quite comfortable." The prototype was abandoned after Kolvski was injured by the cigarette-lighter feature, although unsubstantiated rumours persisted for some time that the Dutch military had purchased the rights to develop a weaponised version of the automated moustache from Dutruv.

©2010 James Mathurin

The shortest acceptance speech

The shortest ever acceptance speech in a mayoral election lasted 1.74 seconds, and was delivered in 1967 by Arnosue Gharfinsal, when he was elected in the town of Bandaicooler, on the island of Tasmania. Standing outside the town hall, he announced, “I’m a man of few words,” before going inside for a nap.

Arnosue Gharfinsal, pictured before making what was actually a shorter speech, at just 3.8 seconds, to the Tasmanian Chamber of Commerce in 1984. Unfortunately, there has been controversy over the length of the speech, due to the 3 minute ovation he received between the second and third words of the speech ("Salt," and "Tourism"). Photo provided by euthman.

©2010 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 3

Dimitri Dutruv developed the electric wig over the winter of 2003-4. In his design notes he said that the concept came to him while he was camping with his uncles in the Black Forest, 

"We found ourselves uncommonly annoyed by swarms of mites, midges and associated insects. I was reminded of the 'Insect-o-cutor' I had seen in a local butchers earlier that day. I was trying to imagine a suitable method of making such a device portable, when i could not help but to have my attention drawn to Uncle Berni's awful hairpiece. If a man was willing to wear such a thing for reasons of pure vanity, why not then one which could protect him from 6-legged annoyance?"

Dutruv developed an wig, filled with filaments of conductive wire, insulated against the scalp by a shower cap lining the interior, and a power source worn on a belt around a waist. The device could be activated by a switch on the belt buckle, which sent a charge through the wig, electrifying any insects which came into contact with it.

Dutruv's Uncle Yuri models the electric wig at his family home in 2004. There appears to have been a falling out between them after this photograph was taken, and it may have been caused by a house fire which was likely caused by the wig. Photograph provided by CarbonNYC.

©2010 James Mathurin

Worst ever recorded orchestral recital

The worst ever recorded Orchestral recital was of Der Fleidermaus, and was performed by the Lisbon Philharmonic on August 19th 1967, at the Lisbon City Hall. Due to a problem with the hall’s central heating, the concert only went ahead because of the crippling financial problems faced by the orchestra’s owner, Plankton magnate Guiseppe Bounhi, who was hoping to sell the recordings through the LPO’s official newsletter. The heat caused all of the string instruments to fall out of tune, along with several of the woodwind instruments, whose lacquer softened. Also, as the concert continued, 13 members of the orchestra eventually passed out, until the concert was ended prematurely when a timpani player fainted and fell into a tuba. The conductor, Fredo Ballon, was quoted afterwards as saying, “I don’t think it could have been worse if you had asked Miles Davis to play in a sauna.”

Fredo Ballon, pictured here in 1972, when the Lisbon Philharmonic attempted to perform Der Fleidermaus again. Problems occurred again, this time because a bassoonist had accidentally allowed his pet ferret to escape during a rehearsal, and it had nested and given birth to young inside a cello. Ballon recalled in his autobiography Musings on Tempo, that, "The cacophony when the second strings came in was mind-boggling, but after the 1967 debacle, I was determined to see it through. By the time we reached the final act, the vibrations from the cello had either rendered the animals unconscious or killed the. I never checked. That is not my job." Photo provided by Crazyflyinmidget.

©2010 James Mathurin

Fastest growing nasal hair

The fastest growing human nasal hair belonged to Venezuelan Paco Nibrez. His hair grew at a rate of 1cm every 17hours, for a period of 5 weeks in 1974. Nibrez could find no medical explanation for his condition, and eventually came to blame it upon a curse, which he believed had been placed on him by a witchdoctor for running over a farmer’s prize goat.

Paco Nibrez, pictured after the nose hair had been trimmed, and had returned to a normal rate of growth. Nibrez commented, "They cannot tell me why it happened, or why it has stopped. I do not need their answers. I know why it was, and if I could bring that goat back, I would. I am just grateful that my prayers have been answered, and that my nostrils are no longer home to evil." Photo provided by ruurmo.

©2010 James Mathurin

The shortest ever guitar solo

The world’s shortest guitar solo is the Third track of Guitarist Dale Alpine’s 1974 Prog-Rock album Look at the Mess You’ve Made on the Carpet. The track, Ta-Da!, lasts 3 seconds, and consists of one note, played twice. Alpine’s fans had assumed that Ta-Da! was simply him tuning up when he performed it live on his Emaciated Puppet tour the previous year.

Dale Alpine, pictured at a 2009 gig, where he performed 17 encores of Ta-Da! This added 19 minutes to the show, 14 of which were taken up by standing ovations. Picture by Jeff Hardcastle.

©2010 James Mathurin

The greatest number of assault charges relating to literary criticism

The 35 members of the 'literary criticism group' Punching Dishonest Writers (PDW) were banned from meeting, 8 months after they were first established, and once 27 authors had been physically assaulted at their home addresses by the group. The group's leader Tennison Pentwick explained at a court hearing,

"The way we see it, you wouldn't lie to someone's face, 'cause if you lied to me and  I found out, obviously I'd smash your face in. Problem is, when you're writing a book, you don't expect someone to punch you, 'cause it's all just words, so you can put as many lies in as you want. So what, we do, we read books each, work out if they look like they're lying, and we find out where they live, go round and punch them."

 Tennison Pentwick attempts to leave court during his trial, having tripped up his barrister, stolen his wig, and run out of the courtroom. He was soon apprehended, and a charge of contempt was added to those he was already facing. Photo taken by Steve Punter

 Pentwick accepted that the bulk of the assaults were the result of a 'balls up' in the group's initial approach, and they had then come to realise that they should only apply their 'criticism' to authors whose writing were non-fiction.

 ©2010 James Mathurin

Prehistoric citrus art

An archaeological expedition in Southern Greece was surprised to find evidence of a prehistoric tribe who used citrus fruit to record images. It is believed that this was intended as a means of leaving secret messages to shy gods, as, much as children often use lemon juice to write 'disappearing ink' messages, these cave paintings only became visible when exposed to a heat source. This tribe was believed to worship a deity known as Schmoonktis, which was easily startled, and would answer any prayers that were left in a suitably peaceful way. According to depictions on the cave walls, Schmoonktis appeared as some kind of animal, similar to a squirrel, or perhaps a stoat.

Images of the paintings, which only became visible when one of their discoverers set up his portable stove to make some grilled Tuna sandwiches in the cave. The ambient heat was sufficient to cause a chemical reaction, which made the paintings visible again. Photograph provided by  Klearchos Kapoutsis.

 ©2010 James Mathurin

The inventions of Dimitri Dutruv Pt. 2

Continuing the collection of inventions developed by Dimitri Dutruv, we now move onto the APG (Automatic Platitude Generator). In 2003, Dutruv was charged with developing a machine for automatically writing messages in greeting cards. Creating a series of stamps on rotating gears, with words like "best", "mum", "sweetest", "forever", "teacher", "pearly-lipped", "mechanic", "sorry", "niece", "this year", "tender", which could be printed into any card. It also featured a pulping chamber where cards, paper and leaflets could be fed in and mashed up to make new colours.

Although Dutruv believed that it could have been developed into a perfectly effective working model, his prototype cards were not to the satisfaction of the investor, due to what Dutruv described as "a currently unmanageable platitude randomisation factorisation."

One of the prototype cards produced by the APG. Unfortunately, it was supposed to be a 'commiseration card for the death of a grandparent', but appeared with this design, and the message, "Sweet tender Yom Kippurs, Auntie!" Image supplied by Boby Dimitrov.

©2010 James Mathurin

The Great Sydney Nick-name war

In Australia, in 1920, Sean McGrady, a renowned knife-fighter was so in demand by rival gangs that their assurances of money, power and women became so evenly matched that the only way of settling it was for each gang to use the local newspaper under their control to run a competition asking readers to send in nicknames that McGrady could have.

In a move that stunned both the readership, and the gangs in question, McGrady  was, according to friends, so impressed by the entries on either side that he decided to start his own gang, instead of joining the others, so that he could hand out the nicknames to members of his new gang. This instigated a period of violent conflict between the gangs, which came to be known as the Great Sydney Nick-name war.

McGrady's new gang came to include members like Eyebrows McGhee, the Doyle brothers, Patches and Six-Toes, Seamus The Hat, Mike "Bollock-Punching" Thomas, Trousers McGoldrick, Patrick Three-Hats, Sausages Hoolihan, 3-Card Monty O'Hanlon, Devilled Eggs O'Connor, and his sister Devilled Ham, Toe Caps Pritchard, Meat Hook O'Shaughnessy, Pickles McGuinness, Five-Beers Burlington and Terrence 'Stinky' Calhoon.

 McGrady (fourth from the right, seated on the car), pictured in 1921, with several of his lieutenants. Photo from the SMA archive.

©2010 James Mathurin

Laboratory taken over by Capuchins

In September of 2004, a group of scientists working in Honduras were evicted from their research station in the forest outside of Tegucigalpa by a troop of Capuchin monkeys. Kristophe Frinks, a laboratory assistant who lost a finger in the attack, commented in an interview with the Telegraph Food magazine a year later,

 "Capuchins are actually very intelligent. They use tools and even show signs of self-awareness. In retrospect, we needed to work with more stupid monkeys."

Henley, one of the beta males of the troop, is pictured here guarding the complex from the assembled press. Shortly after this photograph was taken, phtotgraphers were driven back by a shower of large seeds, broken laboratory equipment and monkey faeces. From the photographic archive of  kansasphoto.

©2010 James Mathurin

The Inventions of Dimitri Dutruv, Pt.1

Dimitri Dutruv is regarded by some as a man who could have been one of the greatest inventors ever. In fact, as researcher, Dale Egret, said,

"Dutruv could very well be termed as "The Greatest Inventor Who Never Was." His work will never be fully understood, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of his death, but what we do know shows us a fascinating picture of an uncommon inventive mind, who could possibly have revolutionised modern engineering if he and his work had survived."

In October 1996, Dutruv was killed on his way to the patent office, when he was struck by a removal van, crossing the road. The removal van crashed and exploded, consuming Dutruv's portfolio of engineering designs, with the exceptions of a few conceptual drawings and documentary photographs, some of which will occasionally be chronicled here.

Figuring that there are reputed to be few animals more sure-footed than Mountain Goats, Dutruv was inspired to develop a mountain bike with hooves on wheels. Examination of Dutruv's accounts showed that he had spent 5 months contacting butchers around the world, aquiring and experimenting with the hooves of different animals.

A design photograph recoved from Dutruv's house, depicting a bicycle frame used for research purposes, using LEDs to pinpoint potential points of what Dutruv termed "hooval-augmentation." The photograph was passed onto design firm richardmasoner, to see if it could be used to recreate Dutruv's designs.

©2010 James Mathurin

Least succesful telemarketing campaign

The least succesful telemarketing campaign was run by the charity Bathrooms for Bitches, a charity supporting dogs abandoned due to incontinence. After 17 unsuccessful mail and telephone campaigns, in 2003 they brought on the 'Performing Arts-based fundraising team' of Miller and Barnes.

Speaking later in Marketing Bugle in July 2006, Matthew Miller of Miller and Barnes said,

"Our scheme involved the callers telephoning potential supporters, and howling down the phone at them, like an incontinent bitch. We spent weeks perfecting the pitch and timbre of incontinent bitches of various breeds, and the campaign raised 213 complaints, 19 criminal charges and 44 civil cases."

Staff at Miller & Barnes, pictured during the Bathrooms For Bitches campaign. Staff had to be trained specially to ensure that their howling did not exceed 100decibels. Jermaine Beckwithe, one of their callers, remembered, "Some days you would get home and all you could hear was the howling and whining." Picture provided by HowardLake.

©2010 James Mathurin

Largest kitchen and toilet paper roll sculpture

The largest sculpture made out of kitchen and toilet paper rolls was a 1:1 scale model of Egypt’s Great Pyramid, constructed in Valencia, Spain by Hercules Boroquez in May 1996. He sent out a Press Release saying, “After my scale model of the Louvre, made of novelty Easter wrapping paper, complete with Mona Lisa was destroyed in the Madrid monsoon of ’89, I have laboured to prove that the elements shall not hold sway over my artistic vision!” The structure stood until late November, when mist caused the paper rolls to inflate, and eventually collapse under their own weight.

Boroquez, pictured preparing for the 1997 Spanish Exposition, where he talked about the experience of losing his Pyramid sculpture, and announced his decision to embark on a five-year project consisting of watercolours of paving stones. Photo by Bengt Nyman.

©2009 James Mathurin